John Kerry Jokes
"Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you're about to
man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two
eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe Sixpack; you're Claus
Von Bulow." -Bill Maher
"John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh--." -Bill Maher
"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." -Conan O'Brien
"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message - if I have one.'" -Craig Kilborn
"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser.
When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'"
-Craig Kilborn
"Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking about this - if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn't have this trouble." -David Letterman
"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." -David Letterman
"John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president." -David Letterman
"John Kerry speaks French, but he tries to avoid it. So, if a reporter asks him questions in French he'll pretend like he doesn't understand. Bush, on the other hand, has the same problem with English." -David Letterman
"John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well, like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So, now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." -David Letterman
"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush
stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for."
-David Letterman
"John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get
away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed
up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there."
-Jay Leno
"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at
his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his
hobby depends on which way the wind blows." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get
away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed
up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there."
-Jay Leno
"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at
his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his
hobby depends on which way the wind blows." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for president. In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen masks fall from the ceiling to keep people awake." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader Wednesday in a closed door meeting. It wasn't a secret meeting, it was just so boring the press closed the door." -Jay Leno
"Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign
is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment,
falsely indignant Bush response." -Jon Stewart