Bill Clinton Jokes


What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.

When did Bill Clinton lose Paula Jones
During the De-briefing

What is Bill Clinton favorite instrument?
A sexaphone!

What do Monica Lewinski and a soda machine have in common?
They both say insert bill here!

Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to deal with the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached

Why did Clinton bomb Iraq?
After Monica, he figured he was getting good at bringing people to their knees

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
"Don't hit your head on the desk."

What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
They both heard a giant sucking sound

How is Bill Clinton like a computer?
He has good hard drive and ram but a problem with memory

What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.

What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 300 women went down on the Titanic.

What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
"Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
He wants to be on top.

How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
He married her.

When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
Swallow the leader

What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President.

Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle

How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they are to busy screwing the President.

Why did Clinton cross the road?
To get to the intern on the other side, of course

Why did the intern cross the road?
To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side

What is Clinton's favorite toy?
An Erector Set

What is Clinton's favorite card game?
Poker

What is Clinton's favorite food?
The Cumquat

What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
Leave it to Beaver

What's Clinton's favorite song?
Grooving

What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
Lays

What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries?
The Dick-taphone

What is the unwritten Executive Privilege?
Having first pick of the new White House Interns.

Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
Because he is so good at say, "Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."

Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer?
He likes to take a lot of stokes.
Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool?
He is trolling for interns.

What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
An intern with braces. (I feel your pain)

What's Clinton's Economic forecast?
A "Bare" Market

What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns?
Tongue Twisters...

What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich?
Tongue Sandwich

What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch?
It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking

Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at Revlon?
He knew she would be good at making things up.



Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service?
He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues.

What is Clinton's Favorite outfit?
The Sear Sucker Suit

What does Clinton do fist thing in the morning?
Read the HEADlines...

How many White House interns does it take to satisfy Clinton?
Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied.

What do Isikoff and Ice Cream have in common?
Both get scooped regularly.

How does Clinton order his coffee in the morning?
Hot with Whipped Cream

What's Clinton favorite place in the White House?
The Oval Orifice

What magazine does Clinton hate?
WIRED

What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House?
Don't Tripp!

What does Nixon have in common with Clinton?
Tricky Dick

What's the difference between Bill Clintons dick and a Quebec Hydro tower?
A Quebec Hydro tower comes down occasionally

What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
They are both inclined to extend their probes.

What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
Goats don't talk!

What did Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke?
'Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House?'

What did Monica say when the FBI ask for the "Dress?"
Come and get it.

How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

Why does Clinton wear boxers?
To keep his ankles warm.

Why did Clinton quit the saxophone?
So he could play that Hoarmonica

Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Clinton introduced?
Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff

What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
CHELSEA

What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
The President after Bush

How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
His lips are moving

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A dog chases his own tail

What do you call Clinton's fly?
U.S. Open

What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal?
I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff.

When can you tell that the country is in trouble?
Clinton has been caught with Al thinking it was Mal.

What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
I haven't come across your face.

Baby Kittens
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

On A Train
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

Late Night Stand Up
"In the book Hillary says she and President Clinton kept their marriage together through counseling. Yeah, that and living in different cities and never seeing each other."
-- Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.' "
-- Craig Kilborn

"Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark."
-- Craig Kilborn

"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her."
-- David Letterman

"Celebrity birthdays, today Monica Lewinsky is 28. It seemed like just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor in the Oval Office."
-- David Letterman

"No move ever goes smoothly. Today Clinton's brand new desk arrived. He had to send it back, apparently not enough head room."
-- David Letterman

"Hell, if you work for Bill Clinton, you go up and down more times than a whore's nightgown." -James Carville

"As with mosquitoes, horseflies, and most bloodsucking parasites, Kenneth Starr was spawned in stagnant water." -James Carville

"Drag a hundred-dollar bill through a trailer park, you never know what you'll find." -James Carville, responding to Paula Jones' sexual harassment allegations against Bill Clinton

"All week, Hillary Clinton has been saying that she has no intention of running for president. See, this is kind of like her version of 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman.' "
-- Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton told Time magazine that she sympathizes with Martha Stewart because they're friends. Apparently, Martha used to come by the Oval Office once a week to try to get the stains out."
-- Jay Leno

"Hillary said that after Bill admitted the affair with Monica he would spend time alone with Buddy, the dog. He would spend all his time with Buddy the dog. At least that's how he told her he got those scratches on his back."

"Bob Dole and Bill Clinton did a point/counterpoint segment on '60 Minutes' and both of them brought their own sponsors. Bob Dole of course had Viagra and Clinton had Dupont Stain Master Carpets."
-- Jay Leno



Dear Abby
Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job over six years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it!

Gallup Poll
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"

Heaven
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

My Favorite Things
To be sung to the song "My Favorite Things" from the "The Sound of Music":
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Pregnant
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldnít believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Billís voice.

"Who is this?íí

Birds and the Bees
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.

"So, Chelsea," says her mother, "you've been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?"

"Well," says Chelsea, "Not according to Dad."

Titanic
As Regan, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titaninc, the order to abandon ship was given as the ship had struck as iceburg.
Regan gallantly shouted:"Women and children first!"
To which Nixon said out loud:"SCREW the women!!!"
Bill shouted to Nixon in the midst of the chaos:"We don't have the time!"

World Series
Bill and Hillary were at a World Series game at Yankee Stadium when a secret service man walks up and whispers in Bill's ear.
Suddenly Bill picked up Hillary and throws her on the field.
The secret service man says 'I don't think you understand, sir. I said throw out the first pitch!!!

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