How many tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to hold the bulb and six to ask for directions.
What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Memphis campus?
What do goblins mail their friends while on vacation?
Where do the pianists go for vacation?
Where can you find a pepperoni tourist?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Where do crayon go on vacation?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for
dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.
"They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished
the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much
saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose."
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so unique and fascinating that he picks it up and asks the shop owner about the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he laughingly replies, "but I'll take the rat."
With his bronze rat under his arm, the tourist leaves the store. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats ten city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
Small Tourist Hotel
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he
meant his money!!"
A tourist stopped off at a small railroad station where, sitting by the side of the tracks, there were Native Americans selling their wares.
The tourist saw a blanket he liked very much, and was told that the price was a hundred dollars.
The tourist offered fifty.
The Native American said, "Price is one hundred. Bargains like Manhattan you no get anymore!"
"A Korean man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 200,000 Korean won and walked out with $200.
The following week, he walked in with another 200,000 Korean won, and was handed $185.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Korean man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!""