Lawyer Jokes


Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What do you call a spider working at a law firm?
A: A Spin Doctor.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks you dry at night.

Q: What's a lawyer's favorite food?
A: Just-ice.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.

Q: What clothing do you wear to court?
A: A lawsuit.

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue

30 Grand
This man had 30,000 and was about to die, so he hired a doctor, preacher, and lawyer.
The man told the three when I die each of you throw $10,000 of my money in my grave with me.
So the man died and they did.

Months later the doctor confessed, I only threw $7,000. I used $3,000 for medical research.
Then the preacher confessed I only threw in $8,000. I used $2,000 for church repairs.
Then the lawyer said I''m ashamed of you two. I wrote a check for the full $10,000 and threw it in.

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