Funny Quotes


Funny Quotes

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
Zach Galifianakis

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection.
Lady Gaga

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Dr. Seuss

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers

Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f**king lactose intolerance?!
Chris Rock

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.
Chris Rock

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
Johnny Carson

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
John Lennon

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
Marilyn Monroe

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
Wanda Sykes

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here.
Chris Rock

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
Johnny Carson

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss (Happy Birthday To You)

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
Zach Galifianakis

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Robin Williams

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Lewis Black

If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
Marilyn Monroe

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
Dane Cook

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.
Bob Marley

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
Chris Rock

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.
George Lopez

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Robin Williams

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
Robert Maynard Hutchins

Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Rob Corddry

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.
Albert Einstein

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin

Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright
Bob Marley

If a woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16, she's 12. If she tells you she's 26 and looks 26, she's damn near 40.
Chris Rock

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles

A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charles Chaplin

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce

If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.
Albert Einstein

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Hillary Clinton

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Charles J. Sykes

Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, f**k me and shut the f**k up!
Chris Rock

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
Logan P. Smith

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley

Joke Generators: