At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke
We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f**king lactose intolerance?!
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
One man's folly is another man's wife.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Dr. Seuss (Happy Birthday To You)
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.
My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
Robert Maynard Hutchins
Men are only as loyal as their options.
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright
If a woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16, she's 12. If she tells you she's 26 and looks 26, she's damn near 40.
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Charles J. Sykes
Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, f**k me and shut the f**k up!
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
Logan P. Smith
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?