Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?
Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out."
Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!
Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie.....
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid SOB!
Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?
Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Doctor: D id you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.