Doctor Jokes

Funny Doctor Jokes:

Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out."
Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie.....

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.

Patient:Doctor Doctor I think my butt is broken
Doctor: No jimmy,every butt has a crack in it

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid SOB!

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.

What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon?
God dosn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon.

Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your DNA.

What do you call a doctor that fixes websites?
A URLologist

What do you call a student that got C's all the way through med school?
Hopefully not your doctor.

Why did the boy tiptoe infront of the medicine cabinet?
Because he didnt wanna wake the sleeping pills.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.

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