X-Men Jokes
Magneto Jokes
Why is Magneto a comic book villain?
Because he has the power to manipulate magnetism, but still can't attract women!
What's the difference between Magneto and MacGyver?
Magneto wears women's pants, not women's hairstyles
What's the difference between a suitcase and Magneto?
Magneto only has one outfit.
Why does Magneto wear a cape?
He has a hole in the butt of his pants.
What's Magneto's favorite movie?
Ferrous Bueller.
What is Magneto's favorite time of the day?
Magnet-o'clock.
Why does Rogue like Magneto?
He's attractive.
Why does Magneto like shopping at K-Mart?
He looks good in a blue light.
Why did Magneto cross the road?
They were having a sale on purple boots and gloves.
Why doesn't Magneto get a flu shot?
Because he believes it a government conspiracy to cure people of being mutants.
What's the difference between Cyclops and Swamp-Thing?
Swamp-Thing has clearer skin.
What's the difference between Magneto and Mysterio?
Mysterio looks good in Women's Yoga Pants
Wolverine Jokes
What did Hugh Jackman, The marvel staff and Gavin Hood say to the naysayer fans?
Complain all you want, You Made Our Movie Number One.
Did you hear Wolverine's pun about Dorian Grey?
It never gets old.
How many writers of X-men Origins does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but all the X-men fans will bitch about how bad a job they did doing it!
Yo momma is so fat, when she steps on Wolverine.... Even he can't heal himself!
Match Jokes
Q: Which X Man crossed the picket line?
A: Match - he didn't want to strike
Storm Jokes
Q: How do you protect your home from mutants?
A: With storm doors.
Colossus Jokes
Q: Why did Colossus cross the road?
A: To overthrow capitalism! (Colossus is Russian)
Q: What does Kitty Pryde use to get off when Colossus isn't around?
A: A steeldo.
What's Colossus' favorite Bruce Springsteen song?
"Kitty's Back in Town"
What's his favorite U2 song?
"Pryde in the Name of Love"
Professor X
Q: Who is the most promiscuous X-Men?
A: Professor SEX (Prof X)
Q: How does Charles Xavier always beat Magneto?
A: With his head.
Q: What is Professor Xavier's favourite game?
A: Sit n Spin
No-Girl
Q: Why didn't Martha Johansson go to the prom?
A: She had nobody to go with! (No Body)
QuickSilver
Q: What do you call sex with Quicksilver?
A: Second Coming.
Did you hear about the Flash and Quicksilver?
They became Fast Friends.
Rogue
Q: Why the mutants get upset at Sentry funeral?
A: Because someone made few rogue comments.
Nightcrawler
Q: Why did Abercrombie hire Nightcrawler?
A: He looks good in blue genes.
Superpowers
Quicksilver was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Wolverine to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls.
Wolverine said Professor X was ill & he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Quicksilver called Cyclops to see if wanted to grab a couple of beers. Cyclops told him he had a date with Jean Gray.
As a last resort, Quicksilver ran over to Emma Frost's apartment to see if she was free.
As he arrived on her balcony, he saw Emma Frost naked on the bed with her legs open.
Quicksilver thought to himself "I'm fast enough, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening."
So Quicksilver did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Emma Frost said "Did you hear anything?"
"NO"! said Nightcrawler, "But my ass hurts like hell!"
Three Guys
There were three guys wearing trench coats on top of the empire state building.
The first guy said to the second guy "Did you know that if you jump off the edge and open up you coat that the wind would blow you back onto the roof?"
The second guy says to the first guy "No Way"
So the first guy goes to the edge, looks back and says "watch this" and jumps off the edge, opens his coat and floats back onto the roof. Goes back to the second guy and says "See."
The second guy says "I got to try this, here's my phone take a video" and goes to the edge jumps off the edge opens his coat, falls straight down screaming, SPLAT.
The third guy looks at the first guy and goes "Magneto that wasn't very nice."
Four Corners
There is a big room with four corners.
In the first corner, you find Magneto.
In the second corner you find Wolverine.
In the third corner you find Professor X.
And in the fourth corner you find an extremely intelligent, 100% natural blonde woman with an amazing ultra-thin magazine-model figure.
In the center of the room there is a pot of gold.
Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: None, because none of these characters exist.