Spike Milligan Stand Up Jokes
After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan: 'How are you at Mathematics?' .
Harry Secombe: 'I speak it like a native'.
All men are cremated equal
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one
Spike: there's only one cure for seasickness
Somebody: what's that?
Spike: climb a tree
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Clifford had a sister, but she had departed, that is, she caught the ten-twenty from Victoria.
Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.
Goon Show
Bloodnok: I'll turn a deaf ear.
Seagoon: I didn't know you had a deaf ear.
Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's shop.
Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone.
The Red Bladder: I haven't got one.
Seagoon: Don't worry, We've brought one with us.
Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!
Seagoon: For an hour we ran in French, which I ran fluently.
Eccles: 'Quick, hide behind this pane of glass!'
Seagoon: 'But you can see through it!'
Eccles: 'Not if you close your eyes!'
Seagoon: 'You're right!'
At a distance of 50 years, it's hard to express how the goons buffoonery became a cult of the era. To give one example, with the nonsense song Ying tong Spike Milligan reached number 3 in the hit parade in September 1956. As then, once you read the verse a few times you cannot get it out of your mind.
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po.
Yiiiing, tongy tongy tongy, yiddy diddy diddy da doh, ying diddy,
Ying tong diddle, yiddledy boo,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po, oh!
Remember in those days a half an hour listening to the goons on the radio, followed by a kick-about with a ball in in the street and boys were happy with the simple pleasures of life.