Russell Peters Stand Up Jokes
As a guy who grew up with Black people, I know the N-word is not specific to people. It's a fucking noun. It is used for everything else but people. It's not specific to black people.
I see my friends. They'll be like, "Yo Russell, I seen you with some Chinese niggers last night."...
My homeboy called me, was like, "Yo, you gotta put on Discovery Channel, son They got this shit on killer whales. Yo, those niggers are crazy!"
I have to go to this mall in Beijing to buy some clothes. I didn't know this until I got there, but apparently in China I'm Shaquille O'Neal. I go to mall. I walk into the store. I'm like, "Hey, you got a 10.5/11 in those shoes?"
"Ah no! How about an 8?"
"How about I can't negotiate my foot size with you?"
Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people and they're like, "Look at all those brown people, they're probably all very happy together." Then you get in that group and like, "Hey, you from India? I'm from India. What part? No, not that part. Go to hell you dirty bastard."
An Indian and a Chinese can be together but can't work together.. you know what I mean?
Well there's this day I went to this chinese mall and I see this bag. I ask this guy: You know i want to buy this bag, how much?
and he says: thirty-five dollars. And then I said: oh c'mon thirty dollars. Asian guy says:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and i said its just five dollars. Then he said: wait I talk to my wife.*starts yelling*OK you seem like nice guy, thirty-four fifty. i said cmon man that 50 cents... he replied you save 50 cents here you go somewhere else you save another 50 cents.. you have one dollar and you go to the dollar store you go buy something else. Then i start to leave , the guy yells: Be a man, do the right thing. Buy the bag.
HAHA an Indian cant live without a bargain and a Chinese guy cant give you a bargain.
Comedy Central Special
I was at my parents house, about a month ago. I was watching TV with my dad right. And the gay pride parade was on that weekend (Audience member yells out "Woo".. Well whatever makes you happy). And they had a live feed .. well not like a live feed but they were showing the parade right. And all of a sudden these 3 gay indian guys came on the screen .. I don't mean came on the screen but they appeared, right. And these 3 gay Indian guys are like "Hey, we are Indian and we are Gay !! We represent the gay South-Asian Community" and my Dad looks at me and goes "That is disgusting. Do you know them ?" I'm like why the hell would I know them. "Because they are of the gay and you are in the entertainment business.
I was at this casino in South Africa and I was playing Black Jack... Ok "African-American" Jack. I'm playing 21 right, and I look at the dealer and it was an African dude. I think they put this guy there just to confuse you when you're gambling. Cause I looked at his name tag and I swear to god, the guys name was spelled (excalamation mark) !-X-O-B-I-L-E. I'm like how the hell do you say that. So I'm not from there, I thought I'd take a shot .. I'm like 'yeah could I get another card there... sobile.. Could I get another card there .. sobile. XOBILE !!! See cause I thought you had to start big you know cause the excalamation mark was at the beginning of the name, right. Like, if it was a question mark, I'd be like Xobile ?? But it was a exclamation so I'm like XOBILE ! And he looks at me and he goes "Please do not yell in the casino". Im not yelling man, I'm just trying to say your name. He goes, "That is not how you say my name." Well, how do you say your name ? I swear to God man, the guy goes, my name is pronounced "*click* bilay". He had a click in his name !!!!!!! The guy's name was !xobile.
Red, White and Brown
"Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'"
Whenever they show Arabic being spoken on TV, its usually these crazy people in these protests in the Arab world and all of them speaking this really horrish Arabic *arab accent* "Khalikokhu kha.. la la la la la FUCK AMERICA!"
Just for the record my Arab friends, i dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that i dont think you are funny. It's just .. I dont know, i dont wanna..... die?
I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "
Indians just look upset that they had to spend money to be here, don't they ? Just the look on their face .. "*indian accent* This is bullshit. I dont know why I am spending money to see someone that looks just like me. I can stay home and look in the mirror. FOR FREE !!"
Lets suppose there is a Louis Vuitton store. The Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store everyday of his life and will never step foot into it. "*indian accent* not even in their best sale will I be going in there. No thank you". Chinese people, sale or no sale, you are going to Louis Vuitton EVERYDAY. You NEVER buy shit. Sales guy asks you 'Can I help you sir' "*chinese accent* No, just looking". Minute sales guy looks the other way Chinese guy whips out a camera *sound of camera clicking photos* - ka ching, ka ching, ka ch-ch-ch-ching. Goes home, emails the pictures to Hong Kong "Make this bag quickly. We'll sell it to the Indians".
Thats a sale you never wanna see happening. A Chinese guy selling an Indian guy a Louis Vuitton bag. Neither of them can say Louis Vuitton properly. Hey Mr. Indian guy, you wanna designer bag. Who's this .. who's this guy ? It's a designer bag, his initials are L.V. *I don't know Indian Hand motion* Who's this L.V ? That's uhh designer initial .. then it has a naamee underneath. Looos Vyutton .. Who's Looos Voootn ? Looos Vutoooon, Loooos Vooon. What the f**k are you saying ? I'm reading designer's name Loos Vootin. Why don't you spell what you see. Ok, ok, ok Loos .. Looos is Looos huh ? Absolutely, loos is loos. One hundred fifty thousand percent sure .. Loos is Loos.
The media made it unsexy to be hairy.They show you dudes nowdays with no hair. It gets in your head. Now you see a guy running across a beach with no shirt on and no body hair or leg or anywhere at all and women go like "Thats how a man should look like" I think thats how a fucking woman should look like
God wasnt kind to us in the dick department. Im not sayin he short changed us. He just dint give us any extra shit. God people gave Indians a lot of things, big dicks - not one of them. "*god* Here's whats gonna happen Indians, you are gonna be great with computers" "*indian accent* okeeyyy" "You are gonna be able to survive in the worst conditions imaginable" "okkeyyyyy" "You will be able to leave those conditions, go anywhere in the world and be successful" "*fantastic. hey God, what about penises?" "sorry buddy - AVERAGE". Then he called the black people "Come here for a minute I want to talk to you.Listen, People are gonna be fucking with you for years.Here's a little extra dick. Dont worry, I've taken it from the Indians. The color matches perfectly"
I have a theory. I believe that the size of your penis is in indirect correlation with how much sex you will have in your life. The smaller your dick, the more you will fuck. You dont believe me, look at the two largest populations in the world.
Everyone in my school knew one thing. Nobody fucked with the deaf kids because deaf kids are strong as shit. They have the strength of 14 gorillas. One of my friends got into a fight with a deaf kid and the deaf kid beat 37 kinds of shit into my friend. He kept bashing him. I dont know if he couldnt hear the sound of the beating but he went berserk. I dont know if he was lip reading wrong. My friend was like "Stop. OW!" "*deaf kid accent* Stop telling me Fuck Off!"
Woman are always thinking. Always. Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."