Ron White Stand Up Jokes
Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
I went out last night, and I got back at the hotel at 7:30 this morning. I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00. The lady goes, 'Mr. White, it's past 7:00.' 'No, the next one. You got another one coming around, don't you? Why don't you just put me on that one? I hear they're running two a day through New York City.'
If you're ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream.
If you ever miss one, it's because the bullet's moving too fast. Slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it -- the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. I'm like, 'Shoot him.' She goes, 'That's just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.' 'Alright, honey, I'm sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I'll talk to him.'
I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.
In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.
Listen to me when I tell you this: we're all gay; it's just to what extent are you gay. He goes, 'That's bullsh*t. I ain't gay at all.' I'm like, 'Yeah you are, and I'll prove it to you.' He goes, 'Fine. Prove it.' I'm like, 'Alright. Do you like porn?' He goes, 'Yeah, I love porn. You know that.' I'm like, 'Do you only watch scenes with two women together?' 'No, I watch a man and a woman making love.' 'Do you like the guy to have a small, half-flaccid penis?' He goes, 'No, I like big, hard, throbbing c**ks.'
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.
The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.
The veterinarian had the audacity to say to me, 'Mr. White, if you'll just come on back here, we'll show you how to do this, and next time, you don't have to bring in the dog. You can just bring in the semen.' 'That's OK. You go ahead and jack off the dog. He follows me around too much as it is.'
There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.
Why are you a vegetarian?' I asked him. And it wasn't even because meat is bad for you. He said that raising cattle was bad for the planet -- with cow flatulence in the ozone and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle. 'What are you doing to help the environment?' 'I'm eating the cow.'
You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.