Rodney Carrington Stand Up Jokes
I don't understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on.
How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?. Some of you out there are going, "Shut up! She's sitting right next to me!"
We need porno for guys like me. $2.99, I don't need the whole $12.99. Hell, I never get to the second scene. It's always better. "Oh shit! I should of waited. She's got bigger titties. Shit! There's twins!"
If God didn't want us to do it, he'd have made our arms shorter. (about hand sex)
"I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have."
If your wife says to you, "We need to talk," horse sh!t. Start a fire in your house, it's easier to deal with. Cause when your wife says to you, "We need to talk" it does not mean we need to talk, it means you need to sit there and listen while I tell you all the ways you've been fuc*in' up! That's what that means. You ain't never gonna hear a man say, "We need to talk,"...Unless...He caught a disease while he was out fishing...
They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case,
I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.
[about masturbation] If God didn't want us to do it, he'd have made our arms shorter.