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Richard Pryor Stand Up Jokes
I remember white dudes used to come down to the whorehouse. “Do you have any girls who cover you with ice cream?... And little boys to lick it off?” He was the mayor.
It seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, ‘cause my wife was going to leave my ass. I say, “Not in this motherfucker you ain’t. Uh-uh. If you leave me you be drivin’ them Hush Puppies you got on. ‘Cause I’m goin’ kill this motherfucker here.”
I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.”
Let me tell you what really happened. Usually when I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. And One night I had some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, And I mixed them together. And I dipped my cookie and the shit blew up.
My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.
I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking in my car driving 90.
How do you "accidentally" shoot a ni**er in the chest six times? "Well, my gun fell and just went crazy!"
I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass upquick! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks likefire!" Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3.
I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes — though I'm gonna be on for an hour.
I couldn't stop. I put the pipe down. It jumped back in my hand.
I went to penitentiary one time, not me personally, but me and Gene went there for a movie.Arizona State Penitentiary, population 90 percent black people. But there are no black people in Arizona. They have to bus motherf***ers in!
When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, "Richard, what do you see?" I said, "I see all types of people." The voice said, "But do you see any ni**ers?" I said, "No." It said, "Do you know why? 'Cause there aren't any."
There are only two pieces of pu*sy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.
F*ckin' is good for you, Jack. Gettin' some pu*sy beats having a war.
Freebase? What's free about it?!
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.
I went to the White House, met the president. We in trouble.
Why me? Ten million motherfuckers freebasing, and I'm the one who blows up!
Richard Pryor Movie Quotes
Monty Brewster (Richard Pryor): Gentlemen, do you think I'm a lowlife?
Tailor: Oh no, Mr. Brewster. Not with these clothes.
Monty Brewster (Richard Pryor): Why is it when there's trouble we're the ones that get into it. I mean, there's a bar full of people and we're the only ones in jail.
Spike Nolan: I don't think it's racial you know, because I'm in here with you.
Monty Brewster (Richard Pryor): That's comforting.
Monty Brewster (Richard Pryor): Here's $100, get a bicycle.
Jackson: For another $100 I could get a motorcycle.
Monty Brewster (Richard Pryor): That's a good idea, here's $300, get one with a sidecar.
Sugar Ray (Richard Pryor): I'm gonna take this boy home to his mother.
Young Quick: My mama's dead.
Sugar Ray (Richard Pryor): Well, your daddy?
Young Quick: My father's dead, too.
Sugar Ray (Richard Pryor): Did you kill 'em?
Young Quick: No, they just dead.
Sugar Ray (Richard Pryor): We all bet on you champ!
The Champ: W-w-w-well... y-y-y-you's about to b-b-b-be a rich nigga... cuz c-c-come F-f-f-friday... I'm knockin'... someone... the fuck out!
Sugar Ray (Richard Pryor): How'd it go?
Quick: I killed her.
Sugar Ray (Richard Pryor): Tore the pussy up, huh!
Quick: No, I shot her.
Sugar Ray (Richard Pryor): Damn, pussy that bad!
Sugar Ray (Richard Pryor): What if we made love real hard for 35 minutes then drop off into a deep, coma like sleep?
Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor): I don't want to go to jail because there are robbers and rapers and rapers who rape robbers.
Ross Webster: What will it do?
Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor): Anything I tell it.
Ross Webster: What will it do for me?
Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor): For you, it will do anything you tell me to tell it to do for you.
Vera Webster: I still don't understand why you can't balloon down like the rest of us.
Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor): I just don't believe a man can fly.
Duane: Why don't you tell everybody how you "got so rich" Daddy Rich? This is one nigger you aint fooling! I'm onto the game you're running to these people here.
Daddy Rich (Richard Pryor): What can I do for you, brother?
Duane: The same thing you're doing for everyone else. Nothing!
Daddy Rich (Richard Pryor): Guess you don't believe in my church. The Church of Divine Economic Spiritual Light.
Duane: Yeah, that's right. I don't belive in it.
Daddy Rich (Richard Pryor): So, you don't belive in God?
Duane: Not "your" God. I'm a Muslim.
Daddy Rich (Richard Pryor): My God's doing all right by me. Why don't you come on board brother, and I'll take you nearer to God thy hee, and I'll show you everything it takes to make it with money. 'Cause it's better to have money than not having it. There is a good place in this world for money and I know where it is. It's right here in my pocket!
Duane: You talkin' just like a pimp!
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