Omid Djalili Stand Up Jokes
I would first point out that laughing can actually save you money.
Did you know that a belly laugh is, physiologically, the same as 20 minutes of yoga?
So when my manager Nigel fell over and hit his head on the ironing board, I lost 5lb. And giggling uncontrollably for five minutes is as good as running on a treadmill for half an hour.
So when I was teaching my son to ride his bike and he flew over the handlebars into a tree, I laughed so hard I'm now thinking of becoming a swimwear model.
I've been hit by the comedy crunch. I invested all my jokes in Jonathan Ross
So if you keep laughing, you can almost certainly save money and ditch that gym membership.
The Government are always telling us we've got to eat at least five fruit or veg a day or we will die. Isn't it time we had a daily laughter allowance?
I would recommend at least five smiles a day and two giggles if one is to maintain a healthy outlook on life.
There was a shipwreak, in a lifeboat in the middle of the pacific ocean there was an Indian, an Arab and an Iranian. A shark swam up up, ate the Arab, ate the Iranian, went up to the Indian but turned and swam away. The Indian prayed to god 'Oh God why did you save me?'. The shark said ' I had one of you last year and my a'rse is still burning.
I was once Asked to become a jehovah's witness. I said I did not see the accident.
"We live in a very male-dominated society, even in the UK. We live in an inherently sexist society, in the sense that a lot of women who get ahead do so through the sexualisation of everything."
"It's nutty for me to take on the Iranian Government by myself, and I will be making a couple of humorous comments about it because it's the only way. To have a comedian stand up and use the shield of irony and the sword of truth, you're there to point out ridiculous things in society. Who better than a comedian to do that?"
Most people only associate the middle east with oil and phlegm and halitosis. I'm joking, I'm joking we're running out of oil.
"What you're seeing is terrorism, it's a kind of mental illness ... it's got nothing to do with religion ... but it's a real symptom of how religion has become corrupted."
No Agenda (2007)
What do you call an honest Iranian businessman? Asif.
Its part of a comedy cultural exchange tour: tonight, I am doing the UK and Jim Davidson is being buggered in Baghdad right now, systematically and without cessation, by United States Troops! Such fun.
Semtex... with nowt taken out! (Imitating suicide bombers from Leeds)
A Persian Cat! Not an Iranian cat, no: an Iranian cat has a bomb under the body warmer!
I am the only Iranian comedian in the world... and that's three more than Germany!
YOU BASTARD! Come to my carpet shop.