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Nick Swardson Stand Up Jokes
Why would somebody worship the devil?... Has the devil paid off for anybody ever? What was the last award show you saw where somebody won and they came out and they’re like, “Thank you so much. This is amazing. I got a lot of people to thank. Well, I gotta start out by thanking the man downstairs.”
Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small… really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, “What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?”
The whole first week, I thought I was psychic. I thought I had new powers all of a sudden, you know. I'd be like, 'Where are my keys? Oh, they're in my pocket.' How did I know that? Oh my gosh!
So, then what I try to do to try to save the story is I embellish it at the end to make it a good story. But I do it too much, so it's not believable. You know, I'll be like, 'You should have been there Saturday. Me and Steve were at the bar; we were so hammered. This guy came up and he was really drunk, and he was like, 'Hey, do you know where the bathrooms are?' And Steve was like, 'No,' and so the guy made this face at Steve -- this really weird face, so -- so Steve f**king stabbed him.
Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo.
I don't care if I go through life and don't help a lot of people or save a million lives. I just don't want to get stabbed. If I can get through life without getting stabbed, I win -- that's how I feel. It just seems so horrible. It's not like getting shot. When you get shot, you don't see the bullet going in. You're just like, 'Alright -- BANG! -- whoa, I just got shot.' When you get stabbed, it's like you're there the whole time.
She'll be like, 'How was your day today?' And I'll be like, 'Oh, my day, Grandma? My day was horrible. I had the worst day. I wake up. I go to the video store -- this guy almost hits me, this cab almost hits me. I get there -- the movie I want is gone. They don't even have it. And the Yankees lost, it's going to rain -- it was like the worst day. How was your day?' 'Well, I woke up, again. And my heart hurts when I breath. And another one of my friends died.' It's like, what do I say to that?
It's great working there, because you get free diarrhea.
I'll be like, 'I just had, like, twenty beers!' They'll be like, Nikki Sixx drank heroin from a fire hose.'
You never hear a girl, like, 'I met this guy. He is so hot. He's so short! You can barely see him.'
I used to smoke pot all the time, and then I quit. I don't know if anybody's ever done that, but that's, like, amazing. I totally smoked for a while, and I totally stopped, and my friends were all, like, they couldn't believe it. They were like, 'What? You quit? You're done? Really? That sucks. What are you doing? That sucks.' I'm like, 'Yeah, it really sucks remembering where I put stuff now.
I don't know if you know Planet Hollywood? It's like a theme restaurant; they have props from the movies on the wall. But I worked at the one in Minnesota, so we got all the lame, stupid props. We would pretend they were cool, that was our job. It was so pathetic. We were like, 'Yeah that's is -- that's the car they drove in Critters. That's it, man, that is it. And that's what they wore in Cocoon -- and there's Corey Feldman.'
So we go out, and we get in a fight at a bar, and it was one of those things where it was like an accident. It all started when I knocked this guy's drink over. And all of his friends were like, 'Yeah! Fight! Fight! Fight!' My friends were like, 'We're gonna go play pool, dude. Call us later, man.'
I just got invited to my first high school reunion. I want to show up as the first thing I wanted to be when I was younger. Wouldn't that be cool if you showed up, and everybody's like, 'Hey, how's it going, Nick? Yeah, it's me, Bob, remember? Yeah, I'm a real estate agent now, and I've got my own company. Jim's a lawyer, and he's got his own firm. So, what are you doing?' 'I am a ninja. I rule the night.'
She left, went and studied apes, and then just came home -- went for six years and then just came home. And it's like, what a weird thing to do with your life. She just went and studied them, like how they act and how they eat and they function, and then just left. Went for six years -- left. An ape couldn't do that to us, you know. An ape couldn't just walk into your house and study you for six years.
Why don't old people drive fast? They always drive so slow. It doesn't make any sense if you think about it. Whenever I get stuck behind them, I'm always like, 'Come on, let's go. You're dying. Time is running out! You've got to move! You could go at any second, Grandma. Come on, step on it. You're got to run those red lights!' When I'm 90, I'm going to be going 90.
One of my best friend's is a professional magician. The only downside to having a magical friend is he always invites us on double dates, and that's the worst because I'm a nice guy, but he's magic. There's no way I can compete with that. He shows up, he's so smooth. Girls love him. He's like, 'How's it going? You look so beautiful tonight. Your hair -- is that a coin? Now, it's a rose. Now, it's money.' And it's like, I show up -- what am I gonna do? I'm like, 'Hi, I brought you this rose. Now, it's broken.'
We'll be explaining our video games, and they'll be playing some futuristic fighting game. And we'll be like, 'When I was your age, we had a game with a yellow circle, and it ate dots and fruit, and then it would be chased by ghosts.'
The other thing I'm going to do at my funeral is I'm going to have a closed casket, like, at the church. And it's going to be closed so people will think that my body will be in there -- but it won't be. My body will come down on wires. It'll just come down, just hang down, and then, they'll hit the lights out and hit it with a strobe light and then -- techno music.
I think that Vanna White got the best job ever. Is that not the best job? If I were a woman, I would want that job so bad. Like, that's her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. 'I turn letters, but only when they glow. I'm not stupid.'
Last fight I was in was in, like, third grade, and that doesn't count 'cause it's like, 'You smell poop? It's over, dude! It's over!'
I swear all the time, and that's how I'm going to be when I'm old. My grandson's going to be like, 'Hey grandpa. We're going to go to the zoo. Do you want to go to the zoo?' 'Oh what, the zoo? Oh f**k that. I'm not f**king going to the zoo.'
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