Michael McIntyre Jokes

"Normally you have news, weather and travel.....but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel." Talking about the heavy snow in Britain.

"They had to ask spain I think, they've had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it's Gordon Brown phoning up going 'pass the salt' (says in deep voice)"

"So you're mother? Nice to put a name to a face." Talking about when a baby girl is born

"Aaron is the worst name. It's the first name in The Baby Name Book. How lazy can your parents be?"

"I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker."

"You have to come up with this shit every year. Last week I just wrote 'I still love you, see last years card for full details'" Talking about Valentines Day

"My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought 'Ive got the better deal here'...1 Your sister"

"I've got a little baby, I made him...He doesn't speak, he's 2...He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words...car and map...I'm slightly worried he's trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!"

"We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours with our photos, I think that's the best way!"

My son's got two words: "car" and "map", that's all he can say. [baby voice] "Car, car, map, car!" [normal voice] I'm fairly worried he's trying to escape. So if the next word is "passport," we're in serious trouble.

"British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards.

"A good book is called a page turner. Surely that is the minimum you expect from any book."

"There are only two conditions where you're allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it's snowing or the death of a celebrity."

"My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out: 'One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.' I thought, I've got the better deal here: 'One, your sister...'"

So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?

It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.

Live and Laughing (2008)

[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."

I went "0-7..." and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0..." and he went "0-7-0..." "No! 0-7..." "0-7-0-0-7..." "No! 0...7..." "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation, the number! That's not my number!" "Giving me a fake number?! Don't you want me to call?!" "No, no...!" Anyway, he hasn't called.

And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"

See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a name to a face."

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