Lewis Black Stand Up Jokes
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.
Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. And the candy corn company sends the guys to the villages and they collect out of the dumpsters all the candy corn we've thrown away. They wash it! They wash it! I'll never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, “Here Lewis! This is corn that tastes like candy!” (eats it) “This tastes like crap”' And every year since then, Halloween is returned and I, like an Alzheimer's patient, find myself in a room, and the room has a table in it, and on the table, is a bowl of candy corn. And I look at it, as if I've never seen it before. “Candy corn,” I think. “Corn that tastes like candy. I can't wait.” (eats it) “SON OF A BITCH!”
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually start to gag… We all know there's no soy milk? Because there's no soy titty, is there?
When you compare Christmas to Chanukah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Chanukah sucks!... First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!
What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.
Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out, and nobody woke you up and said, "Let's go shopping."
Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.
Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.
I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, "You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long."
You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I've never seen those words anywhere. You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you? You go, "Oh no, the sun's out!" It could be zebra cum; you don't know. You may not like that joke, but you don't know.
While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and in the middle was my car; the rental car. The Plymouth Horizon. Here's a math problem for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what period of time, to be on the street and go, "Well, I gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me? I've never driven a car that's aqua!"
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people, three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program?
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't explain in one sentence what it does, it's illegal.
MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!
You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, "you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die, you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins," and nobody in the room just goes, "AH-HA-HA-HA! Son of a bitch! That was great!"
My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.
A republican stands up in congress and says "I got a really bad idea!" And the democrat stands up after him and says "and I can make it s**ttier!"
If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.
And then there's the Homeland Security system. They had it coloor-coded, like we're in f***ing elementary school! Simplify it, there should be just three levels of security: Jesus Christ, Goddammit, F**K ME!
NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like... red and green! And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, "This tastes like s**t!" But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
Lewis Black Movie Quotes
Eddie Langston (Lewis Black): There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?
Man Of The Year
Hemmings: Will you be disappointed to be going back to television after this ride?
Eddie Langston (Lewis Black): Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.
Hemmings: How so?
Eddie Langston (Lewis Black): TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.
Hemmings: Why is that so bad?
Eddie Langston (Lewis Black): If everything seems credible then nothing seems credible. You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes, side-by-side. On one side, there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened. And next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust. And now, there they sit, side-by-side, they look like equals! Everything they say seems to be credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore! We just stopped listening!
Bartleby Gaines: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that their gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines: I... I,I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines: Holy Shit...
Jack Gaines: ...Which is?
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines: Couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines: So refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): Fuckin A'!
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): Right or Left?
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): Whose right?
Glen: Your call
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): You're an idiot!
Glen: Your upset, go with what you feel. You got about twelve feet.
[Trailer hits a tree]
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): Asshole.
Girl: Can you sign a copy of your book for me. I got it on ebay.
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): They sell my shit on ebay?
Guy: You wrote a book?
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): Yeah, that was back when I was drinking.
Bartleby Gaines: I could go to jail.
Uncle Ben (Lewis Black): Don't worry, you're young. Your butt can take it.