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George Lopez Jokes


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George Lopez Stand Up Jokes

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.

(Growing Up) Everything was no. Birthday party? “No get Birthday party. Mira cabron. You got a lot of things already. You don’t need a party. So’s you can showoff? No. Why you crying now? No. Chucky Cheese? You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out.”

You know how Mexican restaurants always have “border” in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn’t do that to black people: Kunta’s Kitchen or Shackles. They don’t do it to white people. You don’t see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel…. oh, nevermind.

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

Just yesterday you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now you're a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.

If I don't know it, you don't either. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, so neither do you!

It means a lot in that I always felt invisible, and I was louder in my own head than I was verbally, ... I was torturing myself, wanting to say things and not knowing how to be. The stand-up was a way out but it never came easy. So to have something that's named after me make it, and that has history tied to Desi and Freddie and now Freddie Jr., it's unbelievable to me because I never really thought anything good would happen to me.”

“I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard, ... I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. . . . I'm the longest-produced (comedy) at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them.”

George Lopez TV Show Quotes

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years?
Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people...
George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!
George Lopez (TV Series)

Max: What's a period?
George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
George Lopez (TV Series)

George: Look. Where I come from we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl. And I'm gonna tell you straight, I don't like it. And I want you to know I'm watching you. Even when you don't think I'm around. I'm watching you. When you're sleeping in your little race car bed. I'm watching you. Even if you start to think "Hey! Maybe he's not watching me." I'm watching you. Pop quiz, what am I doing right now Duncan?
Duncan: Watching me sir?
George: There you go! That wasn't so bad was it?
George Lopez (TV Series)

Angie Lopez: This is a big job, shouldn't you hire professional?
George Lopez: Professionals?! Angie please! I got this!
George Lopez (TV Series)

Carmen Lopez: Hey, I'm gonna be a good driver, but I really need my own car.
George Lopez: Y'know, look, if you really want a car that bad I could help you find a job.
Carmen Lopez: Really? Where? Please tell me it's the record store, the clothing store. Oh my god, is it a receptionist at a male modeling agency?
[mockingly]
George Lopez: Well, I could make a phone call. Y'know after I stopped modeling, I did keep up my contacts.
[primping in a mirror]
George Lopez: And Travis, so, owes me.
Carmen: Dad.
[her father in a primping zone]
Carmen: Daaaad.
George Lopez: Huh?
Carmen Lopez: Where's the job?
George Lopez: I'll talk to Mr. Carillo.
Carmen Lopez: Mr. No! Not Mr. Carillo! I don't wanna work in some crappy dive folding burritos!
George Lopez: Hey, I work there all through high school, okay. You'd be lucky to have a boss like Mr. Carillo.
Carmen Lopez: What if one of my friends see me working there?
George Lopez: Hey, it'd less embarrassing than being a senior and rollerskating to all the parties.
Carmen Lopez: Okay, I'll do it.
George Lopez (TV Series)

George Lopez Movie Quotes

Valentine's Day (2010) George Lopez (Alphonso)

Alphonso: I've never had an inkling before. I wasn't sure what to do with it.

Alphonso: To some people, love doesn't exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people.

Alphonso: You don't step in to love, you fall in. Head over heels. Have you ever seen someone fall head over heels in love? It's ugly, bro. Toxic, septic.
Reed Bennett: How did you and your wife get it so right?
Alphonso: Easy, I married my best friend!
Reed Bennett: I thought I was your best friend.

Rio (2011) George Lopez (Rafael)

Rafael: So, you two lovebirds headed for carnival?
Jewel: Wow! Love birds?
Blu: We're more like acquaintance birds.
Jewel: And not even that! We're more like chained-to-each-other birds.
Blu: Yeah. I... I mean... aaah!
[one of Rafael kids pulls his feather]
Blu: What is it with this kid and feathers?
Rafael: We have no idea. We're having him tested.

Blu: So, how far is it to this Luiz?
Rafael: Not far! Thirty minutes, as the crow flies.
Blu: I see... and how far as the macaw walks?
Jewel: Bo-Bo here can't fly.
Rafael: But, he's a bird!
Blu: Not all birds fly! There are ostriches...
Jewel: You are NOT an ostrich!
Blu: Well... not technically.

The Spy Next Door (2010) - George Lopez (Glaze)

Glaze: Hey, loosen these things up!
Colton James: Oh, I'm sorry. What's wrong? Got the handcuffs too tight? I don't know how these things work. I'm just a dumb hillbilly.
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