Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
"The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.
"And then, when she arrived back on the flight she met her boyfriend. Did you see her boyfriend? He was really attractive. He was like a male model. So from that I have deduced that Rebecca Adlington is very dirty – I mean if you just take into account how long she can hold her breath…"
"Let the munters and, you know, the mingers get each other. That's cool - see no one really wants them ones."
(about Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson)
"I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm so old, my pussy is haunted."
(about the Queen of England)
Rugby was of course invented at a public school St Bummington's academy for young poofs
In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.
When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.
"I thought watching queer eye for the straight guy and making gay friends would help me get fashion tips, Instead..... They fucked me"
Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.
Religion is just what we thought before we understood what mental illness was.
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
Just because you are offended doesn't mean you have the right to stop others hearing it.
I don't see why the last day of the Olympics shouldn't be all the gold medalists playing dodgeball till we have an ultimate champion.
Comedians are artists and should have full freedom to perform without censorship.
We sent Prince Harry to Afghanistan. Because when you want to teach people about democracy, you send them a prince. You teach them about peace and democracy by having a prince shoot at them from a helicopter.
3 Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For 3 Million you could give everyone in scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to satan in person.
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
There's an alternative ending to Dr. Who, where it's about a guy who gives young women hallucinogenic drugs and shags them in a phonebooth.
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.