Dave Chappelle Stand Up Jokes
You'll be walking down the street and you'll see a bunch of black dudes walking, not just any old black dudes, we're talking thugs. And in the group, they got one, or two, sometimes as many as three white guys with them, you ever seen that s**t? Well let me tell you something about those white guys. Those white guys are the most dangerous motherf**kers in them groups. It's true, man. There's no telling what kind of crazy s**t they've done to get them black dudes respect, but I'll tell you they've done some wild s**t.
Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like "He's still here!" Whack! "Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this ni**er broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere."
If you're Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and your marriage is breaking up - that's an awful thing. But to see that speculation in people, it's gotta sting a little bit.
You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.
I was taken to the ghetto once That's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto, like, "I'm gonna see some wild s**t, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy." When you're taken its different. I had a limousine driver, it was after the show, at like 3 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he's a nice guy, talking to me and s**t. He's like, "Where you from, dog? D.C.? Word. That's a rough city, man." And his cellphone started ringing, he's like, "Hold one one second. Hello? Oh, what's up nigga? What? What the f**k, slow down, what? What the f**k? No! No! No! F**k it, I'm on my way!" Boop. "Hey, I gotta make a stop real quick."
At 3 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the f**k you taking me? This don't look good. He didn't say s**t. He just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project. I've never been there before, I'm not sure if it was a project, it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A f**king crackhead ran this way, tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk! Then another one jumped out of a tree and s**t, tk-tk-tk! The guy said, "I'll be right back," and left me. Took the keys with him and just left me.
At 3 o'clock in the morning, in front of a project, in a f**king limousine. This was not good. I was like, "I gotta look around, find some landmarks, see if I can figure out where I'm at. I might have to escape on foot." Now this is when I know I'm in a bad neighborhood, you only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, this was 3 o'clock in the morning. I looked out the window, and there was a f**king baby standing on the corner. And the baby didn't even look scared, he was just standing there. And it made me sad you know, because I wanted to help the baby. I was like, "Mm mm I don't trust you either!" Click! Cllllick! The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that s**t. But where is this limousine driver?"
As time goes by I start feeling worse, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me, I'm scared of a baby! But this baby could be in trouble, he may need my help. I gotta do something." But I wasn't gonna get out of the car. I'm serious, man. I just cranked the window open a little bit. "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the f**k are you doing up?" The baby says, "I'm selling weed, nigga!"
Dave Chappelle Show Jokes
Dave Chappelle: [on the phone with a director] Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!
Rick James: Now, Darkness, the tables are turned.
Rick James: [to his bodyguards] Do with him whatever you like.
Charlie Murphy: Motherfuckers take one more step, I'm kicking this nigga out the motherfucking window.
Rick James: Cubbie, freeze!
Charlie Murphy: You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what you did to my face!
[soft piano music playing... ]
Rick James: I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Rick James?
Charlie Murphy: Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.
Rick James: Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I got the medicine.
Rick James: Bitches... Come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy.
Rick James: I'm Rick James, bitch.
[Rick claps twice]
Rick James: Charlie! There's a new joke goin' around - have you heard it? What did the five fingers say to the face?
Charlie Murphy: [doesn't understand] What?
Rick James: SLAP!
[He slaps Charlie]
Dave Chappelle: There's times to be real, and there's times to be phony. That's right, I said it, phony! You think I'm this nice in real life? Fuck that, son! That's just 'cause I'm on TV. I'd pull my balls out right now... skeet skeet skeet skeet!
Rick James: I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherfuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch.
Charlie Murphy: I knew what hotel he was stayin' at. I told my boys I'd catch up with them later. So I shot over to the hotel, went up to his room...
[Cuts to Rick James sitting on a dresser talking to himself]
Rick James: So then... he comes in there and I says, "Listen, bitch, I'm Rick James."
Charlie Murphy: Because of my complexion, he use to call me Darkness. He calls me and brother Darkness. The Darkness Brothers. See, this is long before Wesley Snipes. Back then... we was the blackest niggas on the planet according to Rick James.
[one white man has been forced to live with five crazy black people]
Chad: Tyree, you stabbed my dad! And you had sex with Katie.
Tyree: Hey man, you got that all wrong. I ain't had sex with Katie. Lysol had sex with Katie. I just filmed it.
Katie: No, Tyree, you had sex with me too.
Tyree: Correction: I had sex with Katie.
Chad: Hi, I'm Chad, your new roommate.
Tyree: Well, looky here, "Chad." For the entire period you in my room, I better not catch you standing up peeing. You sit down when you pee, you got that? Now get your fat ass on outta here.
[Paul Mooney predicts the future as "Negrodamus"]
Audience Member: Negrodamus, will Arsenio Hall ever have a show again?
Negrodamus: Yes. Arsenio Hall will have a new show called "Good Morning, Black America". It will be played at noon throughout the country.
[Tron having dinner with police after turning self in]
Police Commisioner: Now, you are a cocaine dealer, but you've done a lot of good for the community.
Tron: I know. When it's Thanksgiving, I be passin' around turkeys like Nino Brown, baby!
Police Commisioner: Of course!
Tron: [dignified] But may I ask you gentleman, when I'm acquitted, can I continue to channel rocks throughout my community?
Police Commisioner: [holding up tape recorder, non-sincerely] Ab-sol-ute-ly not!
Police Commisioner: [winks]
Tron: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sellin' rocks would be bad.
[playing at the World Series of Dice]
Quills: [screaming] All right, nigga! Get butt naked right now!
Leonard Washington: [calm] First of all, I think y'better watch your tone son. I'm Leonard Washington. I don't get butt naked for nobody.
[holds up wad of money]
Leonard Washington: You want this roll, nigga? You gonna have to shoot me for it.
[shoots him in the knee, takes the money]
Leonard Washington: GOD DAMN, NIGGA! WHAT THE HELL WRONG WITH YOU! THAT'S WHY BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING! YOUR MAMA AIN'T SHIT!
[Darius' grandmother catches him masturbating in the bathroom]
Darius: Granny, don't!
Darius' Grandma: Well, hurry the hell up, Darius! Unlike you, I'm getting a little action tonight, you bunk bitch.
[Darius is watching his grandma making out]
Darius' Grandma: Darius, you big dummy... This ain't no show and tell... Take a walk.
Old Man: Yeah, and get some rubbers!
Darius' Grandma: Get the big ones.
Old Man: Fucking right!
Clayton Bigsby: Let's talk about Chinese people! With their kung-fu and their silly chang-chang-chong talk! We can't understand you! Go back to yer country! White power!
Kent Wallace: You've never left this property, have you, Mr. Bigsby?
Clayton Bigsby: No, sir, not in many years.
Kent Wallace: What if I were to tell you that you're an African American?
Clayton Bigsby: Sir! I'm going to make this clear. I'm in no way, shape or form involved in any kind of niggerdom.
Kent Wallace: [Kent Wallace and Jasper are in the gas station and Jasper is paying for gas] Sir, you're a friend. Why not tell him he's African American?
Jasper: Listen man. He's too important to the movement. Tell him that he's black, he would probably kill himself. Just be one less nigger around. His commitment is that deep.
Kent Wallace: I'm overwhelmed by the irony.
Skin Head: [four guys are outside banging on the car and Jasper runs out to the car and save Clayton from trouble] Hey, monkey! You lost, boy!
Skinhead: Run, boy, we don't like your kind around here!
Skin Head: You better get out of here before something bad happens.
Clayton Bigsby: That's right!
Clayton Bigsby: That's right! Tell that nigger. That dirty nigger!
Jasper: Come on, Clayton, we got to go.
Clayton Bigsby: Jasper, there's nigger around here. That damn monkey was beatin' my hood
[then Clayton gets back in the car and they drive off]
Clayton Bigsby: [shouts] White power! Nigger!
Prosecutor: Mr. Chappelle, what would it take to convince you that R. Kelly is guilty?
Dave Chappelle: Okay, I'd have to see a video of him singing "Pee On You," two forms of government ID, a police officer there to verify the whole thing, four or five of my buddies and Neal taking notes, and R. Kelly's grandma to confirm his identity.
R. Kelly's Grandma: That's my Robert, always peeing on people.
[the Haters are time traveling]
Silky Johnson: Reach for the sky, honky!
Slave Master: Honky?
Silky Johnson: "Honky" is a racial epithet. It was made popular in the 1970s by a man named George Jefferson. You see, he and his wife owned a dry-cleaning business, so they moved on up to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. They finally got a piece of the pie.
[holding a machine gun out his car window]
Wayne Brady: Brace yourself, nigga!
Man on Street: Oh shit, it's Wayne Brady!
[Wayne Brady proceeds to blast man with AK47]
Wayne Brady: Riverside, mothafucka!
Charlie Murphy: [when Prince challenges them to basketball] We can call it the shirts vs the blouses.
[Prince looks on the verge of tears]
Charlie Murphy: I don't know what he was crying about. He knew where he got that shirt and it certainly wasn't in the men's department
Sheila: [after "It's A Wonderful Life" style sketch] Are you an angel?
'The Angel': Me? An angel? I'm the janitor
[puts on uniform]
Sheila: But... How did you show me all those things?
'The Angel': Girl, I am high on PCP! I was wondering how you were following me. You smoke sherm?
Sheila: Come on, who are you really?
'The Angel': Lady, I'm just a nigga that loves titties.
Audience Member: Negrodamus, why do white people like Wayne Brady so much?
Negrodamus: White people like Wayne Brady because he makes Brian Gumbel look like Malcolm X.
Audience Member: Negrodamus, why is President Bush convinced there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
Negrodamus: Because he has the receipt.
[sportscasters covering the Racial Draft]
Robert Petkoff: The blacks have won the coin toss, so they get to go first.
Dave Chappelle: Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time.
Bill Burr: Yes, and they'll probably still complain. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Dave Chappelle: heh heh - man, fuck you.
Dave Chappelle Movie Quotes
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): I got some bootie! I got some bootie! It was good, too.
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Brian: Bully! That's a certified fully!
Brian: For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man!
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): Who the fuck told you that?
Brian: The man who sold it to me, Barry Garcia.
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): So who is that, Jerry Garcia's brother?
Brian: No, actually it was Andy Garcia's brother.
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.
Scarface: Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?
Scarface: I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!
Brian: No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. Yeah!
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.
Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): Right near da beach. Boy-eeee!
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): Guys just shutup about the weed for two seconds, I don't want this girl to know I smoke
Scarface: Yeah it's bad enough you a janitor yo.
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): Custodian, dick!
Mary Jane Potman: My father's a drug dealer.
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): Wow, that must've been the shit.
Mary Jane Potman: It ruined his life.
Dave Chappelle (Thurgood Jenkins): That must've been shitty.
Dave Chappelle (Tulley): I'll rip your lips off, and kiss my ass with them shits. I'll rip your tongue out, and lick my balls with it.
Melissa Green: [being interrogated] What can you tell me about Miles?
Dave Chappelle (Tulley): All I can tell you is that he's gay! GAY! GAY! GAY!
Miles Logan: We can't get out of here. They got cops everywhere.
Dave Chappelle (Tulley): So? You're one of 'em.
Miles Logan: No, I'm a drug dealer now!
Dave Chappelle (Tulley): Man, why you sellin' this shit when you got that big diamond in your hand?