Carlos Mencia Jokes

Carlos Mencia Stand Up Jokes

If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.

"I am a product. . . . I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting."

"If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby."

"I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to, ... The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest them because I don't believe they deserve contesting. I really don't."

"I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels."

"You're Hispanic. You speak Spanish. You're doing ethnic jokes. Taco Bell is one of your first targets."

"It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open...I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that resturant."

"You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE."

Dee Dee Dee!

"I'm not an evil person, I'm not an evil person. I feel very bad for the people in New Orléans like the sick people, the poor people, the elderly, those people couldn't get out. But let's talk about the dumbasses who are still there but the ones who are going 'I'm not gonna leave! I'm not gonna leave! Because I'm going to stay here and protect my TV!' Listen, you fucking idiot: unless you have a plasma that got wet by this much water I suggest you get the fuck out of your house right now, you understand me?"

"I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim."

If you don't believe that God has a sense of humor, tomorrow go to Walmart and just LOOK AT PEOPLE!

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant?
Because her teacher told her to go do an essay. (ése)

Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherf***er!

When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called nig**s.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, f**king Aquaman?

Now I admit I like Gold Digger, but Kanye West is a crazy nigga.

Mind Of Mencia Comedy Bits

'Achmed' - Why don't you check the women?
Carlos - Because, Achmed, women in this country have been treated like crap for about 150 years when they couldn't vote. So, unless you want to not vote for that long and possibly give me head, I suggest you get your ass over there!
'Achmed' - Why don't you check the black people?
Carlos - And how many gold medals have you won for us lately?
'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the white people?
Carlos - Because they gave me the job!
'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the Hispanics, is it because you're Hispanic?
Carlos - No, it's because Hispanics don't blow sh*t up, they clean it up and build it up after you blow it up!

Punji: Aren't you the woman with 12 kids?
Woman: Yes.
Punji: What do you feed them, the losing lottery tickets?
Woman: Callate la boca mamon, just give me the lottery tickets.
Punji: Lord Krishna, Please forgive me for I know what I am about to say. You are never going to win the lottery, you have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest, And you have enough kids. Why don't you take your $50 and buy a vagina cork. I hope I am reincarnated as a condom so that I'll never see you again, now take your lottery tickets, and get the park out of my store!
Woman: Desrigado!
Mencia: I know Spanish too, puta!

"The Dee Dee Dee Song"

"Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you."

You dropped out of school cause you're smarter than everybody
I got three words for you dumbass,
"Ding, fries ready"
You try to outrun a bull,
but nobody's that fast
That's how you end up,
with a horn stuck up your ass
Roethlisberger needs no helmet cause he's a star
But the year the bus left, he got hit by a car
You wanna go huntin' for quail someplace
Don't go with Cheney,
he'll put a fuckin shot in your face
If you bungee jump so you can fly through the air
I ain't sad you ended up in that wheelchair
You ignore all the warnings,
yet you light up a smoke
Now you have to talk with a machine in your throat

How many idiots can there be?
Some say that it's 1 out of 3
If you don't know then take it from me
You're the dee dee dee

you you you
dee dee dee

And if you are a Dee
Please don't marry a Dee
Cause then your kids will be
(what? what?)
Dee dee dee

dee dee dee

[Verse 2]
You cry about the price of gas and war in Iraq
But you voted Bush in twice what were you smokin, crack?
Didn't get a prenup, though you knew she was a skank
Now you've got herpes and she's got half your bank
You were on top of the world with "Hit Me Baby One More Time"
Only a stupid bitch would marry Kevin Federline
You drink and drive and you think it's okay
Now you're cell mate's weavin in and out the "hershey highway"
When you put tigers on your show and they can't be free
They'll bite your neck off and then you'll say
(chokingly) "dee dee dee" (cough)

How many idiots can there be?
Some say that it's 1 out of 3
If you don't know then take it from me
You're the dee dee dee

you you you
dee dee dee

And if you are a Dee
Please don't marry a Dee
It's genetics don't you see?
Your kids will be dee dee dee

That's what they're gonna be: DEE DEE DEE!!!

[Verse 3]
Parents are to blame for all these dee dee dee's
Letting their kids drop out and not get GED's
You keep your kids inside cause there's freaks on the loose
But yet you let them drink from Michael Jackson's "Jesus Juice"?
You don't care when your kids come home with D's from class
What you need to do is get some balls and beat that ass
He isn't stupid, you say he's got A.D.D.
It's that his mom and his dad are both dee dee dee!

This test is too hard!
(So we lower the standards)
I'm not good at sports!
(So we give them all trophies)
My dad used to spank me
(So we lower the standards)
I'm too fat for this seat
(So we widen the standards)
They say no cause I'm black
(So we lower the standards)
They say no cause I'm white
(So we lower the standards)
They say no cause I'm Asian
(So we lower the standards)
No habla inglés
(So we all become Spaniards)

And you wake up one day and you don't have the skills
To get a better job so you're stuck on the grill
You're wondering why Julio took your job
But you forget to see, you're as dumb as a knob
Your ass is too fat to get out of the house
While you're eating more food trying to figure it out
So they outsource your job to some guy named Habib
Cause he works harder than you and he's got 5 degrees
And you're asking yourself how could this happen to me
I'll tell you why, homie! Cause you're….
Dee dee dee
Dee dee dee
Dee dee dee

Carlos Mencia Movie Quotes

Ben Stiller (Eddie Cantrow): Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?
Carlos Mencia (Tito): Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?
Ben Stiller (Eddie Cantrow): Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.
Carlos Mencia (Tito): I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.
Ben Stiller (Eddie Cantrow): Oh.
Carlos Mencia (Tito): Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.
The Heartbreak Kid

Joke Generators: