Bill Cosby Stand Up Jokes
Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"
It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
God has a sense a humor and God said, "Let him have a girl." Plop. Came out. And I had my child there, first born at home, and it does something to you when you're a father. You're home, you know, really home. And the baby was dirty, she'd made a little poo-poo. My wife and I were so happy when the child made the poo-poo. We asked the child...
After rinsing in a dentist's office, you're gonna spit into this miniature toilet bowl. You have no bottom lip so you let it all fall out and say, "Thank God for gravity." Now you want to sit back, but you can't because hanging from your bottom lip is a long line and you can't get it off your bottom lip. Oh, if you want to be gross, you can grab it and throw it over there. But you try to be smooth about it.
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."
My parents never smiled... because I had brain damage. My wife and I don't smile because our children are LOADED with it. Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I'm having. Oh, they have a ball! "Havin' a li'l trouble, huh, son?"
A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
My wife and I were intellectuals before we had children. We were very, very bright people. My wife graduated from the University of Maryland, child psychology major with a B-plus average, which means that if you ask her a question about a child's behavior, she will give you at least an 85 answer. I, from Temple University, physical education major with a child psychology minor, which means that if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.
I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"
Bill Cosby Movie Quotes
Ghost Dad (199) (Elliot Hopper)
Elliot Hopper: But I've got to make it to Thursday. It's for my children. My wife died a few years ago and I'm all they have left. Please, Sir "Edith."
Sir Edith Moser: Sir "Edd-ith." Mozer.
Elliot Hopper: But on... on the book it's spelled "Edith."
Sir Edith Moser: But it's pronounced "Edd-ith."
Elliot Hopper: That's a girl's name.
Sir Edith Moser: Look here, it is not a girl's name. Edith is a boy's name.
Elliot Hopper: Who were you named after?
Sir Edith Moser: I was named after my grandmama!
Elliot Hopper: And they called her "Edd-ith?"
Sir Edith Moser: No! Her name is "Edith!"
Elliot Hopper: So you see, it IS a girl's name!
Sir Edith Moser: No, it's NOT!
Amanda Hopper: Daddy. Joan said you can go bleep bleep yourself. She said you guys need to talk and she'll fill in the bleeps later.
Elliot Hopper: Okay, honey. Thank you.
[Somebody knocks on the front door]
Elliot Hopper: That must be Joan coming over to fill in the bleeps.
Elliot Hopper: [in airplane bathroom] What are you doing here?
Sir Edith Moser: Flying to London.
Elliot Hopper: Why did you call me?
Sir Edith Moser: I said I'd be calling you again.
Elliot Hopper: But I'm at work!
Sir Edith Moser: [yells] I can't believe it! All you want to do it go back!
Elliot Hopper: Yes! Send me back now! Look, if you need to see me so bad, send me an invitation, call me up on the phone, or just come over to my house. But just don't *whoosh* me around any more!
Elliot Hopper: How much money do you want to stop this car? I'll give you $20 to stop -
[a car almost crashes into the taxi. The horn blares]
Elliot Hopper: $40 to stop this cab!
[driver doesn't respond]
Elliot Hopper: I got $76 in here. I'll throw in the wallet too. It's a baby Gucci.
Diane Hopper: [pops TV dinner in microwave] All I get is grease around here. I clean up. I do the laundry
Amanda Hopper: I take out the garbage
Diane Hopper: I cook the meals and what do I get for it? Nothing but complaints.
Elliot Hopper: [yells] I don't complain about your cooking!
Diane Hopper: Yes you do. All the time. Loud and clear. What about... what about Wednesday, huh? What about... what about last Friday? What about last Saturday night, huh? Close! "Oh, Diane, how can you screw up Spaghetti-Os?"
Let's Do It Again (1975) (Billy Foster)
Billy Foster: [Beth kisses Billy on cheek]
Beth Foster: That's for showing me one of the nicest times I've ever had in my life.
Billy Foster: Is, uh, that all I'm gonna get?
Beth Foster: That's all you gonna get in public.
Billy Foster, Beth Foster: [Laughter. Billy grabs Beth's behind]
Beth Foster: [Squeals] Stop!
Beth Foster: You fresh thing!
Billy Foster: [Laughs] You know you love it.
Beth Foster: Yes, I do.
Billy Foster: Woo! And tonight I'm gonna lay a blockbuster on you. To-*night*!
Beth Foster: Yeah? Oh, I'm gonna have a block for you to bust, too, baby, so you better bring a whole lotta hammer.
Billy Foster: Have hammer, will travel and go deep into your crevice.