Alan Carr Stand Up Jokes
"People always name their kids famous names now don't they? Well I was in Tesco the other day and the woman serving me was called 'Umm.. Danon (8)'"
"Send this on to ten friends" Ten? If I had ten friends I wouldn't be reading this shit! I'd be booking city breaks and having sleepovers with my TEN friends.
"When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop"
"I'll just have a napkin and a breadstick" (eating out in restaurants before he was famous)
What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!
"i undercut her with a wet wipe" (the 'orange girls' in boots)
That is the thing with comedy, sometimes I'm sitting at home and I've written a joke and I am laughing "this is really funny" and then you do it on stage and you get..... (silence).
"i knocked a whole display over in poundland, £4 worth of damage" (wrestling a tramp in poundland)
I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. "You don't have to be mad to work her, but it helps." Mind you, she's written it in her own shit.
I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.
Cause there are so many comedians out now, so you have to find a joke that hasn't been said already, you have to find an area that no one is talking about, it's....tough.
I got on the property ladder this year. It's murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, "If only they had an accident".