The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
Your car has bullet-proof windows.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
More than clothes come out of the closets.
When "the Dead" are best live.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
Smoking in your office is not optional.
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.