Bus Driver Jokes

Q: What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
A: One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

A bus breaks down and the driver opens the bonnet when the conductress shouts out "Do you want a screwdriver?"
And he says "Not now, we're already 10 minutes late".

Why did the bee go to the bus stop?
So it could buzz off.

Jazz Hands
There's a bus driver and he's driven through town picking up kids he picks up this one kid and the bus driver watched the kid get sit down and everything and the kid started tapping his feet and wiggling his hands just kind of doing jazz hands.
And the bus driver asks the kid what he was doing he says "what are you doing with your hands and feet"
The boy says "got the rhythm got he beat got the rhythmn in my feet"
The bus driver says "oh okay" so he goes to the next stop and he picked up another kid and he starts tapping his feet and wiggling his hands
And the bus driver asked the kid what he was doing and he says "got the rhythm got the beat got the rhythm in my feet"
The bus driver says "okay" and so he went to the very last stop and he picks up the last kid and that kid sat down and he does the same thing he tapps his feet and wiggles his hands
And the bus driver says "let me guess got the rhythm got the beat got the rhythm in your feet"
The kid says "nope, got a booger on my finger and I can't get it off!"

Ugly Baby
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and
started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he
shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. 
"Here, let me hold your monkey!"

Rabbi
An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so. The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged, pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Rabbi.
When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says, "You can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone. The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?" The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed."

Passengers
One day on a bus, every passenger was female but the driver.
There was a student, a waitress, a flight attendant, a slut and a nun.
Then a guy boarded the bus and declared a hold up.
So everybody gave their money, jewelries and other pricey belongings.
But the guy wasn't contented he said " I will rape each one of you"
so everybody got more nevous and afraid, the students and other ladies went crying.
So the Slut stood up and told the guy "Just rape me, since that is the nature of my job, I don't care how many times you want to do it, just let them go."
But the Nun slapped the slut in the face and said "Will you shut up? didn't you hear what he said"? He said EVERYBODY!"

Bus Stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

Little Old Lady
A little old lady got on a city bus, and sat down behind the bus driver.
After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full.
"Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth.
After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"
"Nope," the old lady replied,
"Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"

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