Short Missouri Jokes
Q: What's the only thing that grows in St Louis?
A: The Crime Rate!
Q. What's the difference between a University of Central Missouri sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: What's the only thing that grows in St Louis?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Missouri?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: Why do Central Missouri grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Central Missouri campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Central Missouri library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: What does a Tigers grad call a Jayhawks grad in 5 years?
I'm not saying Mizzou Tigers basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Faurot Field?
A: Two Tigers fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the Missouri regents decide to cover Faurot Field in cardboard?
A: Because the Tigers always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from Kansas to Missouri?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: Why aren't Missouri State cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in Kansas lean east?
A: Missouri Sucks
Q: What does a girl from Missouri do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do Mizzou basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".
Q: Why do Missouri State students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.
Q: Why did Mizzou disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What's the difference between a Central Missouri diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $80,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every Central Missouri diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.
Q: Why did the Metropolitan Community College grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Central Missouri.
Q: Why did the Missouri Tigers change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps Tigers basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the Missouri State Bears football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a Springfield girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do Mizzou grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a Missouri State grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you get a Lady Bears fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Why do Central Missouri fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did Missouri change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Tigers cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to Central Missouri.
Q: Whats the difference between Columbia, Missouri and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the Mizzou Tigers eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What's the difference between Faurot Field and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Missouri-Kansas border.
Q: How do you confuse a Central Missouri student?
A: You can't they were born that way.
Q: How do you get from Lawrence, Kansas to Columbia, Missouri?
A: Go east until you smell shit and north until you step in it.
Q: What will you never hear a Central Missouri grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Missouri's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average University of Central Missouri student get on his SAT?
Q: How many University of Central Missouri freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: How do you make University of Missouri cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: If you have a car containing a Mizzou receiver, a Mizzou linebacker, and a Mizzou defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Missouri?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate an Missouri Tigers fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the Missouri Tigers and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do Missouri students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the University of Central Missouri campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Central Missouri?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Missouri football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Missouri Tiger fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Missouri?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Mizzou Tiger die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: How do you get a man in Missouri to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..
Q: What do they call students who go to Missouri?
A: Rejects from Alabama!
Q: What does a Mizzou Tiger fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.
Q: What do you call an Missouri Tiger in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do Missouri and Central Missouri students have in common?
A: They both got in to Central Missouri.
Q: What's the difference between an Mizzou football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Mizzou's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Mizzou Tigers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of an Central Missouri grads life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Missouri native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Central Missouri have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do the University of Missouri and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Missouri?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing a Mizzou girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call a Missouri Tiger football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a Mizzou Tigers fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Oklahoma."
Q: Why does a Tigers fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an Mizzou fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Oklahoma Red!
Q: What did the Missouri female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Tigers fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Tigers games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Missouri?
A: No one would look for them.
Missouri loves company!
A country bumpkin family from Missouri decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The Missouri redneck family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Iowa Hawkeyes fan and he was a Iowa State Cyclones fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Hawkeye fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Iowa Hawkeyes fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO MIZZOU!"
An Arkansas Razorbacks fan and a Mizzou Tigers fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Arkansas fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Arkansas fan said "We Razorbacks never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Mizzou fan, "Your turn"...
And the Tigers fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.
He Read Aloud " Here Lies A Missouri Graduate And A Great Man."
The Kid Then Says " Mom I Dont Get It."
The Mom Says "Why Not?"
The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"