Illinois Jokes

Short Illinois Jokes

Q: What's the only thing that grows in the South Side of Chicago?
A: The Crime Rate!

Q: What's the only thing that grows in the South Side of Chicago?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!

Q. What's the difference between a Northern Illinois University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

Q: Why do Northern Illinois grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What do you call a song about people who love Chicago style pizza?
A: Truly, Madly, Deep Dish Pizza.

Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Illinois?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over University of Illinois?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Northern Illinois campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Why don't Fighting Illini fans sink in the Great Lakes?
A: Because crap floats...

Q: Where do all the hot girls live?
A: She-Cago

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Northern Illinois library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Illinois's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What does the average University of Northern Illinois student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: How many University of Northern Illinois freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: How do you make University of Northwestern cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What does a Fighting Illini grad call a Northwestern grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!

I'm not saying Fighting Illini basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.

Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Memorial Stadium?
A: Two Fighting Illini fans drowned last year.

Q: Did you hear the one about the Chicago Businessman?
A: He was Illinoyed by higher taxes.

Q: Why did the Northwestern University regents decide to cover Ryan Field in cardboard?
A: Because the Wildcats always look better on paper.

Q: What happens when blondes move from Michigan to Illinois?
A: Both states become smarter!

Q: Why aren't Northern Illinois cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.

Q: Why do all the trees in Michigan lean southwest?
A: Illinois Sucks

Q: What does a girl from Illinois do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.

Q: Why do Fighitng Illini basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".

Q: Why do Northern Illinois students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.

Q: Why did Northern Illinois disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern Illinois diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $50,000 per sheet.

Q: What does it say on the back of every Southern Illinois diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.

Q: Why did the Illinois State grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?

Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Illinois State.

Q: Why did the Fighting Illini change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.

Q: What's the one thing that keeps Fighting Illini basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.

Q: Why did the Northwestern football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.

Q: How is a Southern Illinois girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.

Q: What do Northwestern grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you break a Southern Illinois grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: How do you get a Fighting Illini fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.

Q: Why do Southern Illinois Saluki fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: Why did Illinois change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Fighting Illini cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.

Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to Northern Illinois.

Q: Whats the difference between Urbana and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.

Q: Why do the Northwestern Wildcats eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.

Q: What's the difference between Ryan Field and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.

Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Wisconsin-Illinois border.

Q: How do you confuse a Southern Illinois student?
A: You can't they were born that way.

Q: What will you never hear a Northern Illinois grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"

Q: If you have a car containing a Fighting Illini wide receiver, a Fighting Illini linebacker, and a Fighting Illini defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Illinois?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.

Q: How do you casterate an Illinois Fighting Illini fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: Whats the difference between the Illinois Fighitng Illini and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q: Why do Illinois students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Illinois Fighitng Illini campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Illinois?
A: They cause too much brain damage!

Q: Why does all of the corn in Iowa lean to the east?
A: Because Nebraska blows and Illinois sucks!

Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Illinois football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an Illinois Fighitng Illini fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Illinois?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. How did the Illinois Fighting Illini grad die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: How do you get a man in Illinois to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..

Q: What do they call students who go to Illinois?
A: Rejects from Northwestern!

Q: What does a Northwestern Wildcats fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.

Q: What do you call an Northwestern Wildcat in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.

Q: What do Northwestern and Illinois students have in common?
A: They both got in to University of Illinois

Q: What's the difference between an Northwestern football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: Did you hear that Northwestern's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How many Illinois Fighting Illini does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!

Q: What are the best four years of a Fighing Illini's life?
A: Third grade

Q: What does a Illinois native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from Illinois State University have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.

Q: What do the University of Illinois and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Loyola?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. What's the first thing an Fighting Illini girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Q: What do you call an Northwestern football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

Q: What is a Fighting Illini fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Ohio State."

Q: Why does the Fighting Illini fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.

Q: How do you stop an Illinois fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Maize and Blue!

Q: What did the Illinois female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Fighting Illini fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Fighting Illini games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated

Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Illinois?
A: No one would look for them.

Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Iowa Hawkeyes fan and he was a Nebraska Cornhuskers fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Hawkeye fan.

He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Iowa Hawkeyes fan."

The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"

The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO FIGHTING ILLINI!"

Sheep Coitus

An Indiana Hoosiers fan and an Illinois Fighting Illini fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Indiana fan slams on the brakes.

There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Indiana fan said "We Hooisers never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.

Then he says to the Illinois fan, "Your turn"...

And the Fighting Illini fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.

One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.

He Read Aloud "Here Lies A Fighting Illini Graduate And A Great Man."

The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."

The Mom Says "Why Not?"

The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"

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