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Short Illinois Jokes
Q: What's the only thing that grows in the South Side of Chicago?
A: The Crime Rate!
Q: What's the only thing that grows in the South Side of Chicago?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!
Q. What's the difference between a Northern Illinois University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: Why do Northern Illinois grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Illinois?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over University of Illinois?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Northern Illinois campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Northern Illinois library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Illinois's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average University of Northern Illinois student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How many University of Northern Illinois freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: How do you make University of Northwestern cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: If you have a car containing a Fighting Illini wide receiver, a Fighting Illini linebacker, and a Fighting Illini defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Illinois?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate an Illinois Fighting Illini fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the Illinois Fighitng Illini and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do Illinois students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Illinois Fighitng Illini campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Illinois?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: Why does all of the corn in Iowa lean to the east?
A: Because Nebraska blows and Illinois sucks!
Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Illinois football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Illinois Fighitng Illini fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Illinois?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Illinois Fighting Illini grad die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What is the definition of a Illinois virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..
Q: What do they call students who go to Illinois?
A: Rejects from Northwestern!
Q: What does a Northwestern Wildcats fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: What do you call an Northwestern Wildcat in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do Northwestern and Illinois students have in common?
A: They both got in to University of Illinois
Q: What's the difference between an Northwestern football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Northwestern's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Illinois Fighting Illini does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of a Fighing Illini's life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Illinois native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from Illinois State University have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do the University of Illinois and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Loyola?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an Fighting Illini girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call an Northwestern football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a Fighting Illini fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Ohio State."
Q: Why does the Fighting Illini fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an Illinois fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Maize and Blue!
Q: What did the Illinois female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Fighting Illini fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Fighting Illini games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Illinois?
A: No one would look for them.
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Iowa Hawkeyes fan and he was a Nebraska Cornhuskers fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Hawkeye fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Iowa Hawkeyes fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO FIGHTING ILLINI!"
Sheep Coitus
An Indiana Hoosiers fan and an Illinois Fighting Illini fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Indiana fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Indiana fan said "We Hooisers never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Illinois fan, "Your turn"...
And the Fighting Illini fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
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