"What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
"You can't tuna fish."
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say "Hello from the other side."
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station!
What do you call a pile of kittens
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A Chimp off the old block.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will Let it go.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What do you call a fake noodle?
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
Fish and ships
Did you hear about that new broom?
It's sweeping the nation!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
What do barristers wear to court?
Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What gets wetter the more it dries?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.
What did Bacon say to Tomato?
Lettuce get together!
What do you call a computer that sings?
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
What did the femur say to the patella?
I kneed you.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
Who earns a living driving their customers away?
An uber driver.
What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
"How do you shoot a killer bee?"
"With a bee bee gun."
How do you drown a Hipster?
In the mainstream.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
What do you call sad coffee?"
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
It barked with de-light!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!
Why did the giraffe get bad grades?
He had his head in the clouds.
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them
What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?
How do you make an Octupus laugh?
Why are pirates called pirates?
Cause they arrrrr.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library! It has the most stories!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives?
the alpha bet
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers!
How do you organize a space party?
What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
Man, that hit the "spot."
What do you call a sleeping bull?
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
Because it was not peeling well
What belongs to you but others use more?
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What is the best day to go to the beach?
Sunday, of course!
Which is the building is the largest?
The library because it has the most stories.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
What bow can't be tied?
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Where did the computer go to dance?
To a disc-o.
What has one head, one foot and four legs?
What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
To get a tweetment.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
What three candies can you find in every school?
Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it's over your head!
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a bogey in it.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no-body to go with.
How do hooligans get through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
Did you hear about the angry pancake?
He just flipped.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation?
It never came out.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
2 Fast 2 Curious
When did the Loch Ness monster eat the British prime minister?
Did you hear about the hairdresser?
What do you call a musician with problems?
a trebled man.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In snow banks.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
a Roman Catholic
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
He pulled a muscle
Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He got to the root of every case.
Why can't you take a nap during a race?
Because if you snooze, you loose!
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What washes up on very small beaches?
What's red, never asks questions but receives a lot of answers?
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming!
Why did Tony go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean?
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
Thatís just how I roll.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion!
Did you hear the one about the geologist?
He took the Mrs. for granite so she left him
What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
Show me the honey!
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio?
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something!
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race?
The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
What has four wheels and flies?
A dustbin lorry!
What starts with a R, ends with an L, and has a million letters in it?
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Why should you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains!
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
a loose Canon
What do you call a frozen dog?
How many books can you put in an empty rucksack?
One! After that its not empty!
What kind of button won't unbutton?
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream?
Depeche a la Mode.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single?
What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A heavy discussion
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!
What do you get when you plant kisses?
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
You are to little to smoke!
What do you call a ghosts mum and dad?
What do you call a restaurant that only serves pancakes?
All Day Brexit.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
What do you call the new girl at the bank?
What did the high court judge say when the skunk walked into the court room?
Odor in the court.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
What do you call cheese that is not yours?
What streets do ghosts haunt?
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
So he could have sweet dreams.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Why did the robber take a bath?
Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear by Almighty God to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What do you call a funny mountain?
What goes up when the rain comes down?
Why did the belt go to prison?
Because it held up a pair of pants!
Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What did one raindrop say to the other?
Two's company, three's a cloud
Why did the balloon burst?
Because is saw a lolly pop
Did you hear about the sick juggler?
They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we will go places!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race?
What do you call a dentist in the army?
A drill sergeant
What did the triangle say to the circle?
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
Because the cow has the utter.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him?
The bobbies are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
His trousers fit him like a glove.
Which is the longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary?
"Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
it wooden go!
Which month do soldiers hate most?
The month of March!
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
What did the Jelly Baby go to college?
Because she wanted to be a Smarty.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty?
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!
What kind of berry has a coloring book?
What do you call a magician on a plane?
A flying sorcerer!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
Whens the best time to go to the dentist?
What did one aspiring wig say to the other wig?
I wanna get a head!
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
It was quite an oar deal.
Why did Mr. Bean put a clock under his desk?
Because he wanted to work over-time!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary?
Because it runs through your jeans.
What would you do if I stole a kiss?
Call the Bobbies
When do you stop at green and go at red?
When you're eating a watermelon!
What did the tailor think of her new job?
It was sew sew.
How did the farmer mend his pants?
With cabbage patches!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
He couldn't concentrate!
Can I tell you a joke about paper.
Nah, never mind, its tearable.
How do you repair a broken tomato?
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Because his parents were in a jam!
What did the hamburger name his daughter?
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A deviled egg!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He felt crummy!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils!
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.
What do you call a bear with no socks on?
What can you serve but never eat?
What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
So he could tie the score.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
They both depend on the batter.
What did the alien say to the garden?
Take me to your weeder.
What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A heavy discussion.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
They got married in the spring.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
Have you heard the joke about the butter?
I better not tell you, it might spread.
How do footballers stay cool?
They sit next to their fans.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
The Space bar!
Why was the robot mad?
People kept pushing its buttons.
What exam do young witches have to pass?
A spell-ing test!
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why is football such a messy sport?
Because you dribble on the pitch!
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line!
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather?
Look grandpa no hands!
Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
To the Baa Baa shop!
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he's always spotted!
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night?
What kind of key opens a banana?
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Why does a hummingbird hum?
It doesn't know the words!
What did one plate say to the other?
Dinners on me
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of school!
What goes up and down but doesn't move?
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What has one horn and gives milk
A milk truck.
Where do bulls get their messages?
On a bull-etin board.
What do bulls do when they go shopping?
What runs but can't walk?
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A water bed!
Why did the barber win the race?
Because he took a short cut.
Where do boats go when they get sick?
What do you call leftover aliens?
What's taken before you get it?
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Can February March?
No. But April May.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable?
Some say he got beet.
Why did the tree go to the dentist?
To get a root canal.
Why was the broom late?
It over swept!
Why is a 2016 calendar more popular than a 2018 calendar?
It has more dates.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Did you hear the joke about the germ?
Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
a cereal killer.
What do you call a crushed angle?
Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
What did the caretaker say when he jumped out of the closet?
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What pet makes the loudest noise?
Did you hear about the kidnapping?
He woke up.
What the difference between you and a calendar?
a calendar has dates.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
What word looks the same backwards and upside down?
Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
Because he was koala-fied.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon?
Bridge over troubled water.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's very time consuming.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
He was booed off stage.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
An offer you can't understand.
What kind of emotions do noses feel?
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the "barking" lot!
How do spiders communicate?
Through the World Wide Web.
Why are chefs so mean?
They beat eggs and whip cream.
Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the paper boy?
He blew away
When I was young there was only 25 letters in the Alphabet?
Nobody new why.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
Because he was a paleontologist.
Where does bad light go?
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture?
None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
Their making headlines...
Why did the log fall into a creek?
Because that's how it ROLLS!
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant?
Deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
Music Teacher: What's your favourite musicle instrument?
Fat Kid: The lunch bell
Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
They already 8 (ate).
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
She had a make-up exam!
What did a sign say outside the pet shop?
Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested?
He resisted a rest
Why did the computer break up with the internet?
There was no "Connection".
Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
To reach the high notes.
What music are balloons scared of?
What do you call a book that's about the brain?
A mind reader.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party?
A party pooper.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What is a tree's favorite drink?
What four letters will frighten a burglar?
O I C U
Where does bad light go?
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships
I can run but not walk, have a mouth but can't talk, and a bed, but I do not sleep. What am I?
lol = Drowning Man.
*lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A kid jumped into a mud puddle.
Want to hear a clean joke?
A kid jumped into the bath.
What did one ocean say to the other?
THEY just waved....
Did you sea what I did....
No? I'm shore you did.
"Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted."
I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.
I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
My sister bet me a thousand quid that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
= Basically Lazy Obnoxious Knobs Everything
If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing.
Being honest may not get you a lot of FRIENDS but it'll always get you the RIGHT ONES.
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
I'm so bright my mum calls me son.
My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
One hat said to the other you stay here I'll go on a head
What fits your schedule better......Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?
Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver
I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I have never seen a fruit PUNCH and a cereal BOX
If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.
A three legged dog walks in the bar and says - "I'm lookin' for the guy who shot my paw"
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
Hey, I changed my password to incorrect because if I forget, it would say your password is incorrect!
Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?
If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?
Did you hear about the farmer who fed his cows birdseed and started selling cheep milk
A butcher goes on a first date and says 'It was nice meating you'
two lumps of vomit are flying through the air one says to the other ''you look upset'' the other one says ''I know i was brought up around here.
2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that's Ludacris
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.
It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!
Don't tell a secrets in a cornfield. There a too many ears
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why do you drive down a parkway but park in a driveway?
fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.
I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas! (hilarious)
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it's delivered by a car it's a shipment?
Man delivers load of bubblewrap. Where do you want this he asks. Just pop it in the corner was the reply.
I moustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.
"When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot......that way people visit more often."
Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don't have to heat hot water?
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
A bobby was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mum?"
He said, "Call for backup."
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