I wanted to see "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri" but then I remembered I don't understand sign language.
What do Oksana Bayul and Tonya Harding have in common?
Both beat Nancy Kerrigan.
I told Christian Bale he wasn't nominated this year and all of a sudden he became hostile.
When I get high I look at the Shape of Bongwater.
Did you hear about the award winning film about a host?
It's called "Manchester by the Seacrest"
If you thought Emma Stone was in this years Best Picture, then your in La La Land.
That awkward moment Donald Trump watches Zootopia and realizes its a satire about his presidency.
Somebody told me that Suicide Squad won an Oscar.
Who would even make that up?
How do you congratulate Leonard Dicaprio?
By giving him a bear hug.
Why did Inside Out win Best Animated Feature Film?
Because Sadness threatened to touch everyones balls.
Patricia Arquette wanted all women to be treated the same, later that night in the bedroom every woman was called Rita Ora.
Apparently Sean Penn forgot he was at the Oscars and instead thought he was at the local Taco Bell handing out a chalupa.
Tegan and Sara are so short they wake up in a Lego house singing "Everything Is Awesome".
Only Barney Stinson would perform a magic trick at the Oscars.
Frozen, about a girl who turns everything into ice. Or, in layman's terms, Kim Novak's plastic surgeon.
Y'all need to stop hating on Pharrell's Hat!
It only takes Jennifer Lawrence in a little red dress to destroy my self esteem.
Kim Novak's cheeks are "Frozen."
I have never seen so many people with Botox in one room in my life.
2012 Oscars didn't feature any Best Song performances. So this year they're apparently making up for it by performing every song, ever.
And the 2013 Oscar for Best Adapted Hairline goes to John Travolta
This year's Oscars are just like Zero Dark Thirty. We know how it's gonna end, but let's all pretend it's suspenseful.
The fact that the audience cringed at a Lincoln's death joke tells us everything we need to know about the Academy.
What was the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences lone regret this year?
That Melissa Leo didn't suffer from the same condition that won Colin Firth an Oscar!
What will the Academy do after failing to reach a younger demographic with this years show?
Hire Roman Polanski to direct next years show!
What does James Franco have to say about his performance as host of this years Oscars?
Fuck the Yale News!
What's more talked about than Natalie Portman baby bump during her acceptance speech?
The rumors that Lady Gaga was going to pop out of her belly!
Why was Sarah Palin upset that the "King's Speech" won the Oscar for Best Motion Picture?
Because even though she was looking at England from her FoxNews Office in New York she didn't see it coming
Why did President Obama take his family to see Avatar in 3D on New Years Eve?
He wanted to know what it's like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success!
What's worse than Sandra Bullocks acting in "The Blind Side"?
Gabourey Sidibe telling Yo Momma so fat jokes!
Why are 10 films nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars?
The Award ceremony wasn't long and boring enough!
A U.S. Army sergeant, claiming the film is about his life, has sued the makers of Oscar-nominated film "The Hurt Locker" days before the Academy Awards.
In related news John McCain sued the producers of the film "Year One"!
What is the difference between Slumdog Millionaire and Slimeball Millionaire
Slimeball Millionaire is a movie about Bernard Madoff.
How is the bad economy affecting this years Oscars?
This years Oscar gift bag is a bucket of KFC!
How will you immediately know if "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" wins best Picture?
The Academy has agreed that if it wins Best Picture, it will win it as the first award of the evening, while winning an unimportant technical category to close the night.
What film sequel about a black gay activist is sure to win an Academy Award next year?
Why is it ironic that Heath Ledger beat Robert Downey Jr for the Oscar for "Best Supporting Actor"?
Robert Downey Jr won the Oscar for "Superior Drug Taker" earlier in the evening!
Why are workers unions upset with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences?
They just found out that they outsourced their Award show to India
Why is "There Will Be Blood" George W Bush's favorite movie?
Because it's about the heartless con man who's obsessed with finding oil.
Whats the significance behind Oscar's 80 birthday?
It automatically qualifies him as the front-runner for the Republican nomination."
What was the the movie "There Will Be Blood" originally about?
A morbid story about the Democratic Primary presidential campaign!
How did George Clooney come up with the title for the movie Good Night and Good Luck?
It's the way he also ends all of his dates.
Who was this years Million Dollar Baby?
Who knows....but I'd ask Angelina Jolie
Why is Capote such a groundbreaking film?
It proves that not all gay people are virile cowboys.
Why couldn't Bjork be at this years Oscars?
Because she was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her!
Why did box office patrons go to the movies in 2006?
To escape from everyday problems such as Terrorism (Munich), Racism (Crash), Corruption (Capote), and censorship (Good Night Good Luck)
Why is it not fair for a gay cowboy to win an Oscar?
Because he was already with one last night!
Why did Heath Ledger and Jake Gyhenhall leave the 2006 Oscars dissapointed?
Because the only gifts they received were from the Christian right GooDie bag!
Q: Why is the 2006 Oscars a microcosm of the real world?
A1: Once again the gay left (Brokeback Mountain) lost to a racist right (Crash)!
A2: The best democratic Speech (Clooney) was given in a supporting role (Kerry-Edwards).
A3: At the end of the day everyone just wants to be a pimp (Three 6 Mafia).
Q: Why is the Christian right steamed?
A1: Because people were told that Geishas were the best dressed!
A2: The flamboyant director who tricked 2 straight guys into having sex won.
A3: A gay guy who glorified murder (Capote) was idolized.
A4: None of the above, the Christian right is always steamed.
The Oscars is the one time of year where you can see all your favorite stars at once without paying money to the democratic party
And its fun for the stars as well, this is the only time they can actually vote for a winner.
What is this years Oscar ceremony called?
Award of the Rings.
How many members of the Academy does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Depends on when the light bulb was released. If it was before November, none. They won't even give it a chance to shine.
Why did the member of the Academy cross the road?
To get to the art house cinema across the street.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog?
It was an Oscar Wiener.
What did Ashton Kutcher say at the awards ceremony?
Dude, Where's My Oscar.
What does 2002 Oscar Winning Best Actress Halle Berry have in common with a smart phone?
They are both Hot "Black Berrys"!
What do you call a dream about hosting an award ceremony?
The Wizard of Ozcar.
What do you call a movie about a teenager who can't win an award?
10 Things I hate about Statues.
Today wartime President Obama accepts the Nobel Peace Prize
In related news Paris Hilton accepted the Oscar for Best Actress
Oscar Bar Jokes
A member of the Academy walks in to a bar. "Bartender," he says, "give me a drink."
Bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"
Academy member says, "something not too high budget, released later in the year, has not too much action or comedy, and takes itself very seriously."
Bartender punches him in the face.
Oscar Yo Momma Jokes
Yo momma is so Oscar-worthy that she was in a holocaust movie.
Yo momma is so Oscar-worthy that she was in a movie that only her momma saw.
Yo momma is so Oscar-worthy that when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma is so Oscar-worthy that she took a glass to see the Gus Van Sant film "Milk"