Viola Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.

Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Q: Which positions does a violist use?
A: First, third, and emergency.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.

Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
A: Who cares!

Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.

Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.

Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.

Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.

Marriage is like playing the viola. It looks easy until you try it.

Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.

Q: Did you hear the joke about classical music?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the violia player got hit by a car".

Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.

Q: What do you throw a drowning viola player?
A: Her case.

Q: Why do viola players leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the difference between a viola player and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a viola player.

Q: What is the perfect weight for a viola player?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.

Q: What does a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: What do all great violists have in common?
A: They are all dead.

Q: What does a viola and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Violist: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

Q: What's the best thing to play a viola with?
A: A razor blade.

Q: What do you call a successful violist?
A: A woman whose husband has 2 jobs.

Q: What's the difference between a violist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.

Hi, I'm here to tune your viola.
I didn't call anyone to fix my viola.
Yeah I know, but the neighbors called.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A viola player with a mortgage.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.

Q: Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.

Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in a viola case.

How do you get a million dollars playing the violia?
Start off with 2 million.

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A semi-tone.

Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.

Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.

Doctor's Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician, I play the Viola."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

Saint Peter
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of viola players. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one viola player an hour.

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