Tuba Jokes

Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.

Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the tuba recital.

Q: Why does everyone hate a tuba right off?
A: Saves time.

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

Q: What do you call ten tubas at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call a cow that plays tuba?
A: A moo-sician

Q: What do you call an arrogant Tuba player?
A: A brass-hole.

Q: How do you get a million dollars?
A: Start off with 2 million and try to make a living playing the tuba.

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on the arm of a tuba player?
A: a tattoo.

Q: What's the first thing a tuba player says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

How do you get a million dollars playing the tuba?
Start off with 2 million.

Q: What do you throw a drowning tuba player?
A: His case.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the brass instrument?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the tuba player got hit by a car".

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.

Q: Why do tuba players leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the difference between a tuba player and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a tuba player.

Q: What do all great tuba players have in common?
A: They are all dead.

Q: What does a tuba and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you call a successful tuba player?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

Q: What's the difference between a tuba player and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A tuba player with a mortgage.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tuba players in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.

Q: Did you hear about the tuba player who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.

Q: What is the perfect weight for a tuba player?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.

Q: What does a tuba and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in a tuba case.

Doctor's Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician, I play the Tuba."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

Saint Peter
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of tuba players. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one tuba player an hour.

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