Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the orchestra?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the conductor got hit by a car".
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
A: They've had little use.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They are all dead.
Q: What does a conductor and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q: What do you call a successful pianist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.
Q: What's the difference between a conductor and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: An orchestra director with a mortgage.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do you call a bunch of conductors in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.
Marriage is like being a conductor of an orchestra. It looks easy until you try it.
While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.