Guitar Jokes
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.
Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor.
Q: What do you call a guitar that never finishes a job?
A: a quitar
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I
could've done better".
Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: What do you call a female police officer who plays guitar?
A: SHE RIFF
Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What do you call a cow that plays guitar?
A: A moo-sician
Q: Did you hear about the farmer who played guitar out in his cornfield?
A: It was music to his ears.
Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: Why did the rock star put his guitar in the fridge?
A: Because he wanted to play cool music.
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An algorithm!
Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!
Q: What's the first thing a guitarist says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"
Q: What do they call a guitar solo in China?
A: Too Ning.
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a guitar?
a: a chicken that makes music when you pluck it!
Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!
Q: What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.
Q: What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
A: His case.
A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to be a guitarist."
His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Marriage is like playing the guitar. It looks easy until you try it.
Q: How do you get a million dollars?
A: Start off with 2 million and try to make a living playing the guitar.
Hi, I'm here to tune your guitar.
I didn't call a guitar tuner.
Yeah I know, but the neighbors called.
Q: What do you call a guitar moving?
A: Walk and roll.
Q: What do you call a bunch of guitarists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
Q: Did you hear about the guitar player that was stressed?
A: He was strung out!
Q: What is the perfect weight for a punk rock guitarist?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.
Q: Why do guitarists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a successful guitarist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.
Q: What's the difference between a guitarist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A guitarist with a mortgage.
Q: Why do guitarists tour the most in the summer?
A: So they can visit all their kids.
Q: What's the best thing to play a guitar with?
A: A razor blade.
Q: What do all great guitarists have in common?
A: They are all dead.
Q: What does a guitar and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a guitarist and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a guitarist.
Q: What does a guitar and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Did you hear about the band made up of mermaids? They suck. I don't even think they can tuna guitar.
Man: Girl, I can play you just like my guitar....
Woman: I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica.
Doctor's Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician, I play the guitar."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
Saint Peter
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?