Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
A: One is far more painful to your ears.
Q: What's the name of a good English horn player?
A: I'll tell you when I meet one.
Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.
Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.
Q: What do you call ten English horns at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: Why does everyone hate the English horn right off?
A: Saves time.
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on the arm of a trombone player?
A: a tattoo.
Q: What do you throw a drowning English Horn player?
A: His case.
Q: What do you call an arrogant English Horn player?
A: A brass-hole.
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on the arm of an English Horn player?
A: a tattoo.
Q: What do you call a berry that plays the English horn?
A: A tooty fruity!
Q: Did you hear the joke about the woodwind?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the English horn player got hit by a car".
Marriage is like playing the English Horn. It looks easy until you try it.
Q: How do you get a million dollars playing the English horn?
A: Start off with 2 million.
Q: What is the perfect weight for a English Horn player?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.
Q: What does a English Horn and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why do English horn players leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do all great english horn players have in common?
A: They are all dead.
Q: What does an English horn and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Q: What do you call a successful English Horn player?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.
A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to play the English Horn."
His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What's the difference between an English horn player and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.
Q: What do you call a bunch of English horn players in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.
English Horn Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: Did you hear about the English horn player who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: An English horn player with a mortgage.
Q: What's the difference between an English horn and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between an English horn player and god?
A: God doesn't think he's an English horn player.
Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in a English horn case.
Q: What's the difference between an English horn and a horses rear end?
A: I don't know either.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician, I play the English Horn."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of english horn players. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one english horn player an hour.