Clarinet Jokes

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicap zones.

Q: What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

Clarinetist: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the clarinet recital.

Q: What's the first thing a blues musician says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

Q: What do you throw a drowning clarinetist?
A: His case.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the woodwind?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the clarinet player got hit by a car".

How do you get a million dollars playing jazz?
Start off with 2 million.

Marriage is like playing the clarinet. It looks easy until you try it.

Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can't!

Q: Why was the clarinetist arrested?
A: He was in treble.

Q: What is the perfect weight for a clarinetist?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.

Q: Why did the Clarninetest stare at the orange juice carton?
A: Because it said concentrate!

Q: What does a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
A: Leave it in a clarinet case.

Q: What do all great clarinetists have in common?
A: They are all dead.

Q: What does a clarinet and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Q: What do you call a successful clarinetist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

Q: What do you call a bunch of clarinetists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.

Q: Did you hear about the clarinetist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.

Q: What's the difference between a clarnetist and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A clarinetist with a mortgage.

Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the difference between a clarinetist and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a clarinetist.

A B flat, a G flat, and an E flat walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we can't serve minors"

Doctor's Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician, I play the clarinet."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

Saint Peter
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of clarinetists. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one clarinetist an hour.

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