Green Jokes

Q: Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards?
A: They like to avoid the flush.

Q: What did the Tree Hugging hottie say to the guy in the SUV?
A: "Turning off your Engine, gets my motor humming"

Q: What's the name of the new Tom Cruise eco-thriller?
A: Mission Compostable!

Q: Why do all eco-friendly consumers love T&A?
A: Because they think it stands for Trees and Air Quality!

Q: What did the environmentalist get when he sat down for too long on an iceberg?
A: Polaroids!

Q: Why doesn't a Sustainability Consultant look out the window in the morning?
A: It gives him something to do in the afternoon!!

Q: Why does a Time Magazine survey state only 85% of Americans think global warming is happening?
A: The other 15 percent work for the oil industry!

Q: How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's too early to say if the light bulb needs changing.

Q: How do Prius owners drive?
A: One hand on the wheel, the other patting themselves on the back

Q: How does President Bush plan on fighting record high temperatures?
A: By switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius!

Q: What kind of plant grow on your hand?
A: Palm tree.

Q: Why did the American Greenpeace activist throw out all his spray cans?
A: "Because they were a bunch of aerosols"

Q: What does a tree drink?
A: Root Beer.

Q: Why are pirates so eco-friendly?
A: They always follow the three arrrrrrrs.

Q: Did you hear the one about the aluminium recycling plant?
A: It smelt!

Q: How do trees settle a disagreement?
A: They sign a tree-ty.

Q: Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets?
A: Polly, Ethel and Ian

Q: What did one tree say to the other?
A: Are you a Sap!

Q: What lies between a good recycler and a bad recycler?
A: Oregon

Q: What is the difference between a person and a tree?
A: One is illegal to hit with an ax!

Q: What can the climate do that weather can't do with a tree?
A: Climb it.

Q: What is the most dramatic scene in Al Gore's film "An Inconvenient Truth!"?
A: When the glacier melts and they find more hanging chads!

Q: How do you know your a bad recycler?
A: You give the recycle bins to your kids to use as toboggans.

Q: What happened after President Bush said "global warming is happening much quicker than he thought"?
A: His advisers pulled him aside and explained it was springtime!

Q: How are Republicans planning to reduce record heating bills this winter?
A: Global Warming!

Q: What do loggers eat in the forest?
A: Mac and trees.

Q: Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
A: Because it was feeling green.

Q: What are the benefits to Joan Rivers extensive plastic surgery?
A: When she dies they can just put her in the recycle box!

Q: How do oil companies deal with with tanker spills?
A: Slick lawyers.

Q: What do you get when you cross an environmentalist with direct action?
A: Arrested!

Q: How bad was the BP Gulf Oil Spill?
A: So bad they started drilling for water!

If the red house was made of red bricks and the yellow house was made of yellow bricks and the blue house was made of blue bricks what was the greenhouse made out of?

Stand Up
"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water."
Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For example global warming. He used to be against it. Now it's the Republican plan for heating homes this winter."
Jay Leno

"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet."
Jay Leno

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up."
Conan O'Brien

Organic Vegetables

A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home.

The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were.

The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."

Vegetable Garden

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her organic vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her organic tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red organic tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect organic garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

Pearly gates

A life-long environmentalist is killed in a plane-cash on the way to a "Save the planet" conference in Bali. Upon arriving at the pearly gates he is shocked to be told that he is destined for Hell.

He's not happy and harangues the gatekeeper with his protestations.
"I always paid my carbon taxes in full"
"My net carbon-footprint was always less than half my shoe-size"
His increasingly shrill protestations went on for some time!

Finally, an increasingly irritated St Peter snaps! "Listen loser, we're doing you a favour."
One, you don't get hassled by angry vegetables that are pissed off with you advocating genocide, through a reduction in their food supply- CO2!
Two, rather than freezing your butt off, like the folks on Earth, you?ll stay warm!
But, and most importantly, three.
You'll get to meet all your friends, listen to the BBC, throughout eternity, and not have to suffer the "I told you so" taunts of the "denialist" brigade!

Joke Generators: