Q: Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards?
A: They like to avoid the flush.
Q: What did the Tree Hugging hottie say to the guy in the SUV?
A: "Turning off your Engine, gets my motor humming"
Q: What's the name of the new Tom Cruise eco-thriller?
A: Mission Compostable!
Q: Why do all eco-friendly consumers love T&A?
A: Because they think it stands for Trees and Air Quality!
Q: What did the environmentalist get when he sat down for too long on an iceberg?
A: Polaroids!
Q: Why doesn't a Sustainability Consultant look out the window in the morning?
A: It gives him something to do in the afternoon!!
Q: Why does a Time Magazine survey state only 85% of Americans think global warming is happening?
A: The other 15 percent work for the oil industry!
Q: How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It’s too early to say if the light bulb needs changing.
Q: How does President Bush plan on fighting record high temperatures?
A: By switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius!
Q: Did you hear the one about the aluminium recycling plant?
A: It smelt!
Q: Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets?
A: Polly, Ethel and Ian
Q: What lies between a good recycler and a bad recycler?
A: Oregon
Q: How do you know your a bad recycler?
A: You give the recycle bins to your kids to use as toboggans.
Q: What happened after President Bush said "global warming is happening much quicker than he thought"?
A: His advisers pulled him aside and explained it was springtime!
Q: How are Republicans planning to reduce record heating bills this winter?
A: Global Warming!
Q: What are the benefits to Joan Rivers extensive plastic surgery?
A: When she dies they can just put her in the recycle box!
Q: How do oil companies deal with with tanker spills?
A: Slick lawyers.
Q: What do you get when you cross an environmentalist with direct action?
A: Arrested!
Q: How bad was the BP Gulf Oil Spill?
A: So bad they started drilling for water!
Stand Up
"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water."
Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is taking more liberal positions. For example global warming. He used to be against it. Now it's the Republican plan for heating homes this winter."
Jay Leno
"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet."
Jay Leno
"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up."
Conan O'Brien
Organic Vegetables
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were.
The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”
To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”
Vegetable Garden
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her organic vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her organic tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red organic tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect organic garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
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