A man walked into a bar and drank ten cokes, then you know what happened?
He burped 7up
Why was the fly dancing on the top of the Pepsi bottle?
Because it said "Twist to open."
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
He couldn't concentrate!
Why did the worker at the Pepsi bottling factory get fired?
He tested positive for Coke!
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice!
What's the new Pepsi ad slogan?
"Cause sometimes they don't have Coke"!
Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
What did one water bottle say to another?
Water you doing today?
What happens if you tell Dakota Johnson a funny joke while she's drinking?
You get "50 Shades of Spray".
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of Coke?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?
"A beer please, and one for the road."
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
When do women drink alcohol?
When does it rain money?
When there is "change" in the weather.
What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial someone?
If H20 is water what is H204?
Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .
If Smart water is so smart then how did it get bottled?
That Awkward moment when you pay $2 for Evian water and notice if spelled backwards your Naive.
I have a job crushing Coca-Cola cans. It's soda pressing.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people.
I spilled a drink on a girl at a party and that's "How I Wet Your Mother".
My body is not a temple.....it's a distillery with legs.
Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.
National Beverage day is celebrated annually on May 6th.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyways
When a ghost drinks boos, they get sheet-faced.
It's going to be drizzy outside. Expect a Lil Wayne.
When I was walking around the super market I noticed a blonde staring really hard at a carton of orange juice.
I asked her what she was doing.
She said "Well, it says on the carton 'concentrate'".
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop.
He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?'
The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'
The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'