Q: What new chapter is S&P forecasting for the American Economy?
A: Chapter 11
Q: Why might President Obama cancel his 50th birthday party?
A: Because Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age!
Q: How do you know when the stock market is volatile & unstable?
A: The morning bell is rung by Britney Spears!
Q: Whats the best way to close our camp in Guantanamo Bay?
A: Turn it into a BANK!
Q: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?
A: They'll add a N to the end of it!
Q: When will you know the economy is bouncing back and good times are here again?
A: Instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again!
Q: Why did the White House Turkey turn down his pardon?
A: All of his money was in the market and he has nothing left to live for!
Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy then Men?
A: Because men are in charge of the economy!
Q: What is Barack Obama's new slogan in these tough times?
A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!
Q: Can Barack Obama's economic policies create millons of new jobs? A: Yes, but they are all for Afghani soldiers!
Q: Why is it a bad sign that our camp in Guantanamo Bay is closing?
A: The economy is so bad now that even the terrorists are losing their homes!
Now that the S&P downgraded US Debt the White House said it's working on a 'plan B.'
Unfortunately, the B stands for "bake sale."
Q: How do you know that the Debt Ceiling debate is a complete mess?
A: Al Qaeda is trying to find a way to take credit for it!
Q: Why did the man think he saw a ghost on Halloween?
A: A kid dressed up as a 401 (K)
Q: What are Mcdonald's employees now asking customers?
A: Can you afford fries with that?
Q: How has the economic downturn affected eating habits?
A: The 5-second rule has turned into the 5 minute rule!
Q: How do you know when job market is getting worse?
A: People forced to work for peanuts, can't even do that!
Q: Why are people afraid of losing one hour of sleep because of daylight savings time?
A: After losing their home, job, and 401k nothing scares them now!
Q: Why does President Obama think its good that gas prices have fallen?
A: Because now people can afford to drive the cars they're living in!
Q: Why did Senator Larry Craig miss the Stimulus package vote?
A: He was in the mens room, introducing his own package!
Q: How do you know the economy is getting worse?
A: People who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes!
Q: Why is the United States Congress and the porn industry always mentioned together?
A: Between the porn industry and Congress, no one whose screwed more people!
Q: Why don't we need Daylight Savings Time?
A: Because President Bush has already turned the clocks back to 1929.
Q: Why do people believe in Bush's pledge about turning around the economy?
A: Because he will be out of office soon!
Q: How bad is the economy?
A: Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting!
Q: What does AIG stands for?
A: Adventures in Greed!
Q: How do you know we have the wrong people in Washington?
A: When they start asking Nicholas Cage for debt advice!
Q: What is Dick Cheney's solution to this financial crisis?
A: Approving waterboarding for stockbrokers and CEOs!'
Q: How do you know when stocks are getting cheap?
A: Wall Street is called Wal-Mart Street.
Q: How is the bad economy affecting the Super Bowl?
A: Instead of a coin toss they are now going to play rock, paper, scissors!
Q: How bad do economists think this global recession will get?
A: So bad economists are starting to stimulate their own packages!
Q: How do you that the American people are in trouble?
A: CEO's and prostitutes are merging so they can screw the American people more efficiently!
Q: How is the bad economy affecting Dr. Seuss?
A: Now he's eating Green Eggs and Spam!
Q: Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow?
A: The Leprachan took it and sold it to Cash4Gold!
Q: Why did George Bush surprise people when pardoning the White House Turkey?
A: No one expected the Turkey to be AIG & Citigroup!
Q: Why should we bail out the US auto industry?
A: Because we'll need cars for all the license plates, Wall Street brokers are making in jail!
Q: How bad is the economy is Las Vegas?
A1: Somali Pirates now run the Treasure Island casino!
A2: The tigers are eating Roy out of necessity!
A3: A casino was turned into an Indian reservation!
A4: Hookers are taking jobs as snow blowers
Q: Did you hear how bad the economy is in the Middle East?
A: Yeah, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe at George W Bush!
Q: Why shouldn't Bernard Madoff be investigated by congress?
A: Because the guy who made 50 billion dollars disappear is being investigated by the guys who made $700 billion dollars disappear!
Q: Why isn't the selling of corporate jets by the US Auto Industry good news?
A: They are being bought by AIG!
Q: How is the bad economy affecting women in Beverly Hills?
A: For the first time they are using the sun to get a tan!
Q: Why are more people flying US Airways?
A: Because they are hoping geese hit the plane and they get $5000 dollars.
Q: Why are guys calling information in Bangkok?
A: To save money on phone sex!
Q: How bad is the economy?
A: When Bill and Hilary travel together they have to share a room!
Q: How do you know when the economy is getting worse?
A: People start standing behind George W Bush just to get the free shoes!
Q: How can you know if your bank is hurting from the mortgage crisis?
A: You try to cash a check and they tell you to come back with a gun!
Q: Why is Bed Bath and Beyond hurting during this economic downturn?
A: Because gay guys are starting to buy unscented candles!
How do you know celebrities are suffering in this tough economy?
A1: Paris Hilton changed her name to Paris Red Roof Inn!
A2: Heidi and Spencer actually had to get real jobs!
A3: Brangelina (Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie) can only adopt 1 kid this year!
A4: A-Rod had to switch from using steroids to flintstone vitamins!
A5: P Diddy is now buying his bling at Kay Jewelers!
A6: Rockstar Eddie Money's new name is just Eddie
A7: Heather Mills is now marrying guys for love!
A8: Bill Maher is going to church to pray!
A9: Amy Winehouse is clipping her nose hairs looking for that last little bit of cocaine!
A10: Robin Leach has a new show "Lifestyles of the people who still have a job"
Q: What Does AIG stand for?
A: And It's Gone!
Q: Why is the stock market like Britney Spears?
A: Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started.
Q: What will happen if the economy gets any worse?
A: Well learn how to live off the land like Sarah Palin!
Q: Why isn't Halloween "special" anymore?
A: The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns aren't cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now.
The economy is so bad, I threw out bread for the birds and the roofers came down for it.
If Earth is the third planet from the sun, doesn't that make every country a third world country?
Why You Shouldn't Date An Economist..
1. Economists may be dangerous. Watch out for the invisible hands!
2. It won?t matter what you supply, they will always demand more.
3. They consider selfish behavior the most natural thing in the world.
4. They prefer doing it with models and dummies.
5. Economists habitually deflate everything.
6. They like their love lives like they like their markets: free and open.
7. On average they are pretty mean.
8. And definitely too trendy.
9. They will never be happy with you as you are, they will always want you to grow.
10. They require a lot of stimulus in order to expand.
11. They will spend their lives trying to predict your behavior.
12. They consider you perfectly substitutable.
13. They?ll only like you if you have plenty of elasticity.
14. They will always think that there is an acceptable level of unemployment.
15. As soon as you are happy in the relationship they?ll burst your bubble.
16. They?ll only be into you if you have plenty of boom and bust.
17. They?ll never say ?I Love you? only that ?You optimise my utility?.
18. They will rate your kids? advancement into a Human Development Index.
19. They will establish very clear household property rights to avoid the tragedy of the commons.
20. If you ever get depressed, they?ll lower their interest rate to zero.
21. They might collect a stratified household survey of family and friends, run regression and cluster analyses and check for heteroskedasticity before deciding to commit to you. (On the plus side you might get to see what your love looks like as a formula).