Ikea Jokes


What do you call a cat that can put together furniture from Ikea?
An Assembly kit.

Why did it take so long for Noah to build the Ark?
Because the instructions came from Ikea.

What do the Cincinnati Reds and lawn furniture from Ikea have in common?
They both fold and end up in the cellar after Labor Day!

I'll go anywhere with you as long as it's not Ikea.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend can understand the Ikea instructions but you can't.

Job Qualifications
A blind man applies for a job at Ikea, but the manager refuses as he says what can you do, you're blind.
The blind man says I can sniff any piece of wood and tell you what type it is.
The manager says thats useless for my business but just out of curiosity I'd like to see you do it.
The blind man says ok, so the manager gathers all his staff to watch.
He places a piece of wood on a table and says to the blind man, whats this wood?
The blind man replies Pine wood and the manager says great, you got it right.
The manager then places another piece of wood on the table and asks the blind man to sniff it and the blind man says this is Redgum.
The manager says you're right again, thats amazing.
Not to be outdone the manager calls his secretary out of the office and asks her to take all her clothes of and to lay on the table.
She lays on her stomach and the manager says to the blind man, ok whats this one.
The blind man sniffs along the womans naked body and says, "bit tricky this one can you turn it over.
So the manager gets the secretary to lay on her back and the blind man sniffs up and down the womans naked body and says, ahh you can't fool me, thats the shithouse door off a tuna boat.

Shy Guy
A shy guy goes into an Ikea and sees a beautiful woman looking at the furniture. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the Ikea is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he looks at something else. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

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