Short GM Jokes
Q: How many GM car salesmen does it take to change your light bulb?
A: It depends on your credit, current lease terms, and willingness to take a balloon payment!
Q: What is the difference between a Cadillac and a porcupine?
A: Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
Q: What should you do if you find three Buick owners buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What do GMC Truck owners and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What is the smallest part of an Buick?
A: The owners brain.
Q: Why did Chevrolet put a cross as their emblem?
A: So you can pray to God the car starts.
Q: Why Pokemon Go a lifesaver?
A: Because it gives Chevy owners something to do while they walk home.
Q: What is the Cadillac owner's most ardent wish?
A: A bigger penis.
Q: What do you cal a chevy on the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.
Q: What's the difference between a golfball and a Chevy?
A: A golf ball can be driven 300 yards.
Q: What did the Ford say to the Buick on the side of the road?
Q: Why did the cat sleep under the Chevy?
A: Because he wanted to wake up oily.
Q: How do Chevy Volt owners drive?
A: One hand on the wheel, the other patting themselves on the back
Why do Chevy have magnetised bumper?
So it can pick up other chevys parts while your driving.
Want to hear a car joke?
Why did the Chevy cross the road?
To pick up the bits it lost yesterday.
What should you do if you find three GM owners buried up to their neck in cement?
Get more cement.
What's the difference between a Cadillac owner and a carp?
One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent own a Chevrolet.
GM One Liners
Why do people name their kids Mercedes, Lexus, Porsche when they look like buicks & fords
If your Bentley is taking up 2 parking spaces, then okay. I get it. But a Chevy Malibu? I feel obligated to deflate your tires now.
So you're in high school and you drive a Cadillac? You must know all about hard work then.
Today 99% of Chevys are on the road the other 1% made it to the car shop.
I would give both my testies for a Cadillac Escalade.
You wanna man that drives a Lexus, but your dad drives a Chevy. Why you can't be humble like your mom?
GM Bar Jokes
A lady walks into a GM dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Cadillac CTS and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
A lawyer opened the door of his Cadillac CTS, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious Cadillac.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Caddieee!!!", he whiningly said.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid Cadillac, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my god....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?
Mid Life Crisis
A man in his 40's bought a new Cadillac CTS convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Cadillac CTS," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer