Q. Why do ducks fly over Beaumont upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: What is the difference between a person from Beaumont and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Q: What's the only thing that grows in Beaumont?
A: The Crime Rate!
Q: What are the only two seasons in Beaumont?
A: Football and Construction.
Q: Why didn't the possum cross the road?
A: Because in Beaumont he's the other white meat!
Q: Why aren't people from Beaumont allowed into Sea World?
A: Because fishing poles are not allowed!
Q: How does an Beaumont man get a girlfriend?
A: By responding to a message on the wall of a mens room at a truck stop!
Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and people from Beaumont?
A: The bucket.
Q: What's the difference between the Mayor of Beaumont and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.
Q. What is a Beaumont landlord's favorite game to play?
Q: How do people in Beaumont vote?
A: Early and often!
Q: How do you casterate a person from Beaumont?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: What should you do if you find three people from Beaumont buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between a person from Beaumont and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. How did the boy from Beaumont die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What do people from Beaumont and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do people from Beaumont keep their driver's license on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: How do kids from Beaumont spend the first week of the school year?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights
Q: How do you know you are in Beaumont?
A: When you pull up to a red light, you roll up your windows!
Q: Did you hear about the power outage in the Beaumont library?
A: Thirty people were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: What does the average student from Beaumont get on his SAT?
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Beaumont?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: Why do people from Beaumont have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Beaumont?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q: What is the definition of a Beaumont virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.
Q: What do tornadoes and people from Beaumont have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in Beaumont?
A: With a restraining order.
Q: What's the first thing an Beaumont girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A: Walks home.
Q: What did the Beaumont girl say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Beaumont?
A: No one would look for them.
Q: What's the advantage of being married to a person from Beaumont?
A: You can park in handicapped zones.
Q: How do you know that Michael Jackson is not dead?
A: He's still registered to vote in Beaumont!
It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does.
Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad.
Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class.
She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he's a coach for the Lamar Cardinals football team.'
How hot is it in Beaumont?
the cows are giving evaporated milk.
the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs
I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'
hot water now comes out of both taps.
you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
the cows are giving evaporated milk.
you start buying stock in Gatorade.
the trees are whistling for the dogs.
you start putting ice cubes in your water bed.
you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
Satan decided to take the day off.
you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
your dream house is any house in Alaska.
you can make instant sun tea.
you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Beaumont, Texas.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'