Albuquerque Jokes


Q. Why do ducks fly over Albuquerque upside down?

A. There's nothing worth craping on!



Q: What is the difference between a person from Albuquerque and a baby?

A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.



Q: What's the only thing that grows in Albuquerque?

A: The Crime Rate!



Q: What are the only two seasons in Albuquerque?

A: Football and Construction.



Q: Why didn't the possum cross the road?

A: Because in Albuquerque he's the other white meat!



Q: Why aren't people from Albuquerque allowed into Sea World?

A: Because fishing poles are not allowed!



Q: How does an Albuquerque man get a girlfriend?

A: By responding to a message on the wall of a mens room at a truck stop!



Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and people from Albuquerque?

A: The bucket.



Q: What's the difference between the Mayor of Albuquerque and a prostitute?

A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.



Q. What is a Albuquerque landlord's favorite game to play?

A: Monopoly



Q: How do people in Albuquerque vote?

A: Early and often!



Q: How do you casterate a person from Albuquerque?

A: Kick his sister in the mouth



Q: What should you do if you find three people from Albuquerque buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.



Q: What's the difference between a person from Albuquerque and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.



Q. How did the boy from Albuquerque die from drinking milk?

A. The cow fell on him!



Q: What do people from Albuquerque and a bottle of beer have in common?

A: They’re both empty from the neck up.



Q: Why do people from Albuquerque, New Mexico keep their driver's license on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.



Q: How do kids from Albuquerque spend the first week of the school year?

A: Studying the Miranda Rights



Q: How do you know you are in Albuquerque, New Mexico?

A: When you pull up to a red light, you roll up your windows!



Q: Did you hear about the power outage in the Albuquerque library?

A: Thirty people were stuck on the escalator for three hours.



Q: What does the average student from Albuquerque get on his SAT?

A: Drool.



Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Albuquerque?

A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.



Q: Why do people from Albuquerque have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First!



Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Albuquerque?

A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.



Q: What happened after a 55 year old man was attacked and killed by relentless pack of dogs?

A: Melania Trump adopted the dogs!



Q: What is the definition of a Albuquerque virgin?

A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.



Q: What do tornadoes and people from Albuquerque have in common?

A: They both end up in trailer parks.



Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in Albuquerque?

A: With a restraining order.



Q: What's the first thing an Albuquerque girl does when she wakes up in the morning?

A: Walks home.



Q: What did the Albuquerque girl say after sex?

A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!



Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Albuquerque?

A: No one would look for them.



Q: What's the advantage of being married to a person from Albuquerque?

A: You can park in handicapped zones.



Q: How do you know that Michael Jackson is not dead?

A: He's still registered to vote in Albuquerque!



Career Day

It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does.

Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad.

Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'

The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class.

She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.

Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he's a coach for the New Mexico Lobos football team.'





How hot is it in Albuquerque?

the cows are giving evaporated milk.

the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs

I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'

hot water now comes out of both taps.

you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

the cows are giving evaporated milk.

you start buying stock in Gatorade.

the trees are whistling for the dogs.

you start putting ice cubes in your water bed.

you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

you can say 113 degrees without fainting.

Satan decided to take the day off.

you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

your dream house is any house in Alaska.

you can make instant sun tea.

you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.


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