LAWYER JOKES By Jokes4us
 
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Lawyer In Heaven
A priest and a lawyer died and went to heaven.  They were met by Saint Peter
at the gate, who told them he would be giving them some transportation to get
around in.  He gave the lawyer a big white limousine.  The priest was given a
bicycle.  The priest said "wait a minute" you gave the lawyer a limousine and
me a bicycle. Why is that? St. Peter replied, oh we get a lot of priests in
Heaven, but this is the first time a lawyer has made it.
By Jerry Buchanan

Interesting Defense
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you
can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
By RayD

Hearts
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were.
Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant.
The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available,
considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old  kid, nonsmoker,
athletic, swimmer, with a great diet.
He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000.
The second is from a marathon runner,  24 years old, great condition, very strong.
He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000.
The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover.
It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."
By SVENSON

The Bar Scene
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well dressed woman sitting on a  bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody at any time, any where, your place or my place, it doesn't matter to  me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says,
" Really? What law firm do you work for?"

You Need A New Lawyer When ......
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the
stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with
the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation
marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since
2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
By DailyComix

LAWER SHORTS
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their
latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

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How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

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How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it.
And one to sue the ladder company.

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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Air pollution

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What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

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What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.

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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

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What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

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What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
You can't. There are some things a pig won't do.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

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What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips
By Vicky V.

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Insult
A man walks into a bar and loudly says to the bartender, "all lawyers are
assholes".A man sitting at the other end of the bar says " I resent that
remark". The first man says "why, are you a lawyer?" He says no, ........I'm
an asshole!
By Clickpa66

Three Kick Rule
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."
 
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."
 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."
 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas
Three-Kick Rule."
 
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick
me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
 
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.
 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up.
 
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet
and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
 
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"
By Scott21


Carpet Layer
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his
cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to
himself. He proceeded to take his hammer and flatten the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him
his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
By Albert W

Lab Lawyers
At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and
thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
By Kickbac

Lawyer's Wife Tombstone
A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to
see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of
Murray, L. L. D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice,"
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You
should cry, pulling a stunt like this!"
Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They
left out the phone number!"
By Taz

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If Dr. Seuss had been President Clinton's lawyer,
        his deposition might have might have read something like this:

        I did not do it in a car
        I did not do it in a bar

        I did not do it in the dark
        I did not do it in the park

        I did not do it on a date
        I did not ever fornicate

        I did not do it at a dance
        I did not do it in her pants

        I did not get beyond first base
        I did not do it in her face

        I never did it in a bed
        If you think that, you've been misled

        I did not do it with a groan
        I did not do it on the phone

        I did not cause her dress to stain
        While talking to Saddam Hussein

        I did not do it with a whip
        I did not fondle Linda Tripp

        I never acted really silly
        With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

       There was one time,with Margaret Thatcher
        I chased her round, but could not catch her

        No kinky stuff, not on your life
        I would not, could not, with my wife

        Now, that Miss Flowers' tale of woes
        Was paid for by my right-wing foes

        And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
        Are just a bunch of party poopers

        I did not ask my friends to lie
        And then just hang them out to dry

        I did not do it last November
        And if I did, I don't remember

        I did not do it in the hall,
        I could have, but I don't recall

        There was no sex at Arlington
        There was no sex on Air Force One

        I might have copped a little feel
        And then endeavored to conceal

        But never did these things so lewd
        At least not ever in the nude

        These things to which I have confessed
        They do not count if we stayed dressed.

        I never used that big cigar
        You must believe me, Mr. Starr.

        I did not know this little sin
        Would be retold on CNN.

        I broke some rules my mama taught me
        I tried to hide, but now you've caught me.

        But I implore, I do beseech
        Do not condemn, Do not impeach.

        I might have got a little tail
        But never, ever did inhale.
        By Derekblue

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True Courtroom Humor ......
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
By Comix

A MAFIA ATTORNEY
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
By Bill K.

Lawyer's donation
The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and
said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed,
the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband
died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?

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Enough is Enough
"Your honor," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of
witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near
the scene of the crime when it occurred."

The judge looked at the defense table and said, "This is the
third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm
getting sick of hearing your lies."

The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said,
"Your honor, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in
my life."

Waving his finger, the judge replied, "I was referring to
your lawyer."

ATTORNEYS
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just
before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the
two
attorneys.

The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in

when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get
a
coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe
and
spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks
good, I
think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch
it
and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and
spat
in it.

The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the
plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew
immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our
professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
pissing
in cokes?"

THE LAWYER AND THE OLD LADY
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she
wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist
suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster
to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I
rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the
lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the
spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The
lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in
assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have
$40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass
on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral
that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone
who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what
would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone
almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I
die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see
what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer
was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird
request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with
$5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide
the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until
you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house
and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but
her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out
and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"
By S.C

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CARING LAWYER
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He
ordered
his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any
money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But
sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come
with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I
have a wife with six children!" The second man answered. "Bring them as
well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two
feet tall!
By TavliKing

CIGARS
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was
saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked
the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for
ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him
against you. He might even find you in contempt of the
court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision
in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the
courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip
about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them,"
said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?? You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find
to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

By Bill K.
LAWYERS TOMBSTONE
A lawyer named Strange died,
and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe
on his tombstone,
"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription
would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that
three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would
inscribe,
"Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone
and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"
By Taz
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