National Vodka Day Jokes

What is a gentlemans idea of a balanced diet?
A vodka martini in each hand!

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary, but I looked it up on whiskeypedia.
And learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequil-ya.

You know what's fun about being sober?

How can you find the guy whose had 4 vodka martinis?
He's the one dancing like an asshole!

Vodka doesn't turn people into somebody they're not.
It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
"Olive or twist?"

Why did God invent vodka?
So the Polish would never rule the world!

What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka?
The Holy Spirit!

What's the cure for marriage?
Answer: Alcoholism.

How do you get a computer drunk?
A Screenshot of Vodka.

What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff Vodka?
A "Pabst Smir!"

What do you call a man with a shot of vodka on his head?
A taxi. Clearly, he's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance.

What does a shot of Vodka and a woman have in common?
Both of them make men start talking nonsense!

Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink vodka?
Because it makes him mean!

Where do monkeys go to vodka?
The monkey bars!

What doesn't kill me, makes my drinks stronger.

Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy Grey Goose.

A guy offers a girl a shot of vodka, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs,
The guy ask "Do they swell?"
The girl replies "No they spread"

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the Grey Goose talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the Grey Goose."

A Shot of Vodka
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of vodka and afterwards look into his pocket.

The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

Drunk Driving
It seems a gentleman had too many vodka shots at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper.
Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.
He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked?
He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"
Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked."
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired.
The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers.
The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

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