What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
"Olive or twist?"
What is a woman's idea of a balanced diet?
An appletini in each hand!
Tom Jones walks into a bar. "I want a martini, with two olives, two strawberries and a stick of celery".
"I never heard of the before," says the bartender.
"It's not unusual" says Tom
You know what's fun about being sober?
What has eight arms and an IQ of 70?
Four girls drinking appletinis and watching Real Housewives!
How can you find the girl who finished all the strawberry martinis?
She's the one dancing like an asshole!
What is the difference between a fruity martini and a man?
A fruity martini hits the spot everytime.
What's the cure for marriage?
What do you call a bartender that only makes martinis?
Oliver Twist (Olive or Twist)
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby?
Where are the best martinis served?
In the Gulp of Mexico!
What do you call a woman with a martini on her head?
A taxi. Clearly, she's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance.
A bee goes into a Martini bar, It comes out 2 hours later buzzing.
What doesn't kill me, makes my martinis stronger.
Dear Martini, Olive you.
Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy martinis.
National Martini Day is celebrated annually on June 19th.
A guy offers a girl a martini, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs,
The guy ask "Do they swell?"
The girl replies "No they spread"
Girl: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Boy: "Is that you or the martini talking?"
Girl: "It's me talking to the martini."
It seems a lady had too many martinis at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper.
Upon being tested, the lady couldn't walk a straight line any more than she could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated woman, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to her, drove home and went to bed.
She was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mrs. Johnson?" they asked?
She admitted that she was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"
Again, the woman admitted that was she. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked."
The woman replied that she drove her car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired.
The lady answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers.
The woman answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.