Iraq Jon Stewart Jokes
"The coalition of the willing continues to
grow. It is now an impressive group of 49 countries. Here's the thing, only four
of those countries are actually supplying military forces in Iraq. The other 45
countries were like, willing yes, but about the able." -Jon Stewart
"Much of Central America is in the coalition mostly because we already liberated them repeatedly, vigorously and covertly, and believe me, they don't want to go through one of those liberations again." -Jon Stewart
"In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. ... The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole." -Jon Stewart
"The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons." -Jon Stewart
"Over the last several weeks, several of TV's so-called armchair generals, of which there are many, along with many of the Army's so-called real generals, have been openly critical of the U.S. military planning. Donald Rumsfeld's frustration with these critics boiled over at a press conference earlier this week. Rumsfeld said the only way you're going to be able to get people to believe something is true is if you print it up two million times and drop it from airplanes." -Jon Stewart
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the f**k he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey Netherlands, you looking at me?'" -Jon Stewart
"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." -Jon Stewart
"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain." -Jon Stewart
"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea." -Jon Stewart
"President Bush remained undeterred by the
massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the
hundreds of thousands of voters who supported [him] by voting for Nader."
-Jon Stewart, on anti-war protests