You Cant Date Me If
For Men
if you never get the courage to ask.
if you don't like being on the phone
we can't have a good time with our clothes on.
if your sex game ain't on point.
you wear tighter clothes than me.
if we have nothing in common
you're a 1 minute man.
if you're my EX. You hurt me before, I'm not letting you hurt me again.
If you have more dick in your personality than you have in your pants
if you're shorter than me
if your morning breath is the same as your afternoon, evening, and bedtime breath!
because you have no future, no goals, no passions
if you cant be trusted when i am not around
if you dont believe in God
if you don't have any tattoos
if your house, room, inside of your car or any of that shit is dirty.
If you wear graphic tees
your hairs longer than mine.
you don't have nice lips.
your breath is kicking harder than Lionel Messi.
if you don't put me first
you act different around your "bros".
if you live with your parents
because you already dated my bestfriend, her sister, my cousin
if you smoke black and milds.
if you have to ask your parents for the car!
if you complain about how much u are spending on a date.
if your hands feel like I'm holdin a girls hand. It needs a little bit of roughness
U have no personality.
if your also dating her.. and her... oh and her.
if you don't keep yourself groomed, and take my advice when I try to help you stay looking fresh.
if you smoke. PERIOD
you're always talking about your ex.
if you aren't funny
you don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'.
your idea of cooking is mac n cheese & ramen.
you are still walkin around with a flip phone.
U have no sense of humor.
if you don't have a job/car
if you dont have big muscles
if your pants are tighter than mine .
If you live at home with your mama, ain't got a car, and hate children.
you have more mood swings in one day than me on pms.
You have poor hygiene.
you don't know the simple difference between "there", "their", & "they're".
if you appreciate the McDonalds dollar menu.
if u have a hobo beard
you are constantly talking about yourself.
if you bring dogs on dates, and your dog misbehaves.
u have a college degree and cant make me laugh.
if you are not gentlemen.
if you don't know how to hold a conversation.
if you don't respect me.
If You're A Liar, Cheater, Controlling, Or Childish.
if my husband is better looking than you
if your not being positive cuz i don't need negative energy around me
if you chew food with your mouth wide open
if you got ugly ass feet
if you lie all the time.
if you're not gonna take shit seriously
If youve got 6 toes on one foot or hand
unless U can see past all my flaws
if your mother's retarded, insane, or a fucking lunatic.
if your still dating someone else.
if you have no swag
if you don't love J.Crew
because I'm still alive and my carbon-14 has not begun decaying.
if u don't like my mommy and my mommy don't like you, sorry family comes first
if burgers and fries are more important than staying in shape
unless you respect my boundaries!
if you kiss me, touch me or have sex with me and don't have my consent.
if compassion & sobriety are the things you look for in a gal. Honey, I put the B in bitch, the D in drunk, and the F in fabulous.
If you disrespect your mom, if you disrespect your mother, there's a good chance you'll disrespect me.
if you own a pair of Crocs.
For Women
if your ex boyfriend just got outta jail.
if you only like me because of my money
because you have no future, no goals, no passions
if you cant be trusted when i am not around
If you wear graphic tees
if you keep blowing up my phone every 2 seconds.
if you're a vegetarian/vegan
if all the pictures in your house are pictures of you in a club
if you hate tattoos
you overanalyze everything I say.
if you're my EX. You hurt me before, I'm not letting you hurt me again.
if you don't put me first
if you dont smell nice.
if you have braces
if your hair is shorter than mine
if you don't have pretty eyes.
if you dont believe in God
if you don't know how to hold a conversation.
if you dont love to eat.
if you dont enjoy watchin sports.
If you think Dragon ball Z is an energy drink
if you don't know the offside rule in soccer
if you don't play video games.
If you think Maize and Blue go together.
If you don't give head
if you want too much attention
you're always talking about your ex.
If you don't like to party
your idea of cooking is mac n cheese & ramen.
If you're too short to ride the rides at Disneyland
U have no personality.
if you lie all the time.
you are constantly talking about yourself.
U have no sense of humor.
if you show up on game day wearing the rival team's jersey.
if you get clingy after 1 date
if my wife looks hotter than you
if your not being positive cuz i don't need negative energy around me
U are too skinny
if you don't respect me.
if u expect me to be perfect and never mess up,
if you don't smoke weed
if you're one of those girls that talks shit 24/7
if you don't think basketball is fun to play or watch.
if you have fat ankles.
cuz I'm dating your sister
if you smell like cigarettes!
if you don't love Chick-Fil-A
if youre not a traveler like me
if you don't share the popcorn
unless you respect my boundaries!
if your still dating someone else.
unless U can see past all my flaws
If You're A Liar, Cheater, Controlling, Or Childish.
if you think making a relationship Facebook official is the most important part of the relationship.
if you smoke. PERIOD
If you and your kids can start yall own basketball team
if u don't like my mommy and my mommy don't like you, sorry family comes first
if you don't know who Ben Gibbard is!
if you chew food with your mouth wide open
if you don't laugh at my lame jokes.
you don't know the simple difference between "there", "their", & "they're".
you don't appreciate the McDonalds dollar menu.
if your mother's retarded, insane, or a fucking lunatic.
if the holidays are coming up and your expecting a gift; we just started dating
if you are fat
if your pregnant with someone elses baby
if all you do is run & tell everyone what goes on between us.
if you own a pair of Crocs.