What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
What are the four rings you need to get married?
Why did the man wear his wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Because he was married to the wrong woman.
What is Kim Kardashians definition of forever?
When the Reality TV check is cashed!
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What's longer than a Kim Kardashian wedding?
The trick or treat line outside Casey Anthonys house
What is loud and obnoxious?
Three words to ruin your husbands ego...
"Is it in?"
What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Why did the doves miss the wedding?
They were under the feather.
Why do brides wear white?
It's important that the new dishwasher matches the fridge and stove.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why is it difficult to find a husband who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
Hopefully your wife.
What's the difference between a Maid of Honor and a Pit Bull?
A man inserted an ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How do most men define a wedding?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
What do cannibals do at a wedding?
Toast the bride and groom.
I just married Miss Right.
I didn't know until after the wedding her first name was Always!
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
What is the ideal marriage?
One between a deaf man and a blind woman
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Remember weddings are the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with a wedding!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
Husband: Amazing world, only 25% of men have common sense, very short figure!
Wife: What about Rest?
Husband: Well rest are Married!
Wife : Babe , What´s Your Fav Position?
Husband : When I got down on one knee and made you my wife.
A man and a woman get married and are on there honeymoon.
The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe, the man says take off your robe were married now.
The woman says ok and takes off her robe.
Then the man asks if he can take a picture of her and she asks why and the man says "So I can carry you with me."
A few hours later the man comes out of the bathroom in a robe.
The woman says take off your robe were married now.
The man says ok and takes off his robe.
The woman asks if she can take a picture and the man askes why and the woman says "So I can have it enlarged!"
One time when I was talking to my mom's co-worker he said that he had no friends.
He said that all of his friends were either getting married or about to die.
And my friend who is with me says to him "What's the difference?"
The Perfect Man
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan"
Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm going to marry his widow next week."
A couple just gets hitched, and after all of the receiving their gifts, the party afterwards, ect. they finally leave for their honeymoon.
About 3 hours on the trip they decide to get a room for the night and continue in the morning.
The groom sees a motel and pulls in to get a room. The groom goes into the lobby and meets up with the motel clerk. He tells him that he was just married and wants a room for the night.
The clerk looks at him and says, " My daughter was just married last week to the greatest man.I want to give you two the honeymoon sweet on the house."
The groom is so happy and thanks the clerk grabs the keys and drive around the back of the hotel and carries his wife up the stairs, opens the door and lays his newlywed wife on the bed. He runs down stairs to get their luggage, and brings it to their room.
"Darlin', why don't you slip into something more comfortable and I'll be right back with something to drink."
So he give her a quick kiss and leaves to get some drinks.
As his wife is laying on the bed with hardly anything on, next door there is a Amtrak train station and a train pulls into the station, which shakes the hotel so bad it throws the bride onto the floor! She gets up pushes the bed back to the wall, and continues to wait for her hubby.
Well the train fills up with people and starts to pull out of the station, which again shakes the building and throws her out of the bed again!!
She calls the front desk and the said the will be right there. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door and the bride pulls up her covers and yells to come in. The clerk opens the door and nails the bed to the floor. "This should do it.. If it is O.K. I want to see if it will throw me out." She says O.K. and he gets on the other side of the bed to see if just nailing the bed down, that everything will be alright.
Now just about this time the newlywed husband walks into the room and sees his wife in the same bed as the desk clerk.
"What in the hell are you doing in bed with my WIFE!!"
The innocent desk clerk , shaking, looks up to him and says, " Would you believe we are waiting for a train?"
Three couples went to a hotel for their honeymoons.
They were all served by Bill. The first man was married to a nurse. "Nurses are cute." Bill thought to himself.
The second man was married to a phone operator. "Phone operators have sexy voices." Bill thought to himself.
The third man was married to a teacher. "Teachers are too formal and strict. poor guy." Bill thought to himself.
After their honeymoons were over, Bill got a call from the first man. "NEVER MARRY A NURSE! ALL I HEARD LAST NIGHT WAS 'THAT'S UNSANITARY. THAT'S UNSANITARY'!" he screamed into the phone.
A little later, Bill got a call from the second man. "DON'T MARRY A PHONE OPERATOR! ALL SHE SAID WAS 'YOUR THREE MINUTES ARE UP'!" the man raged.
After a few more minutes, Bill got a call from the last man. "Remember to marry a teacher, Bill. She kept saying 'we're going to do this over and over again until we get it right'."