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Free Dirty Bar Jokes

Handjob
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Bad In Bed
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Naked Dinner
A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."

Blowjob
A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

Who Enjoys Sex More
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

Sniff Test
A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"

If You Could
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Three Girlfriends
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?

Blowjobs For Money
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Police Officer
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

Old Couple
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Bad Father
There was once a father that does not like to give things to doctors who helped him cure his sickness.
One day, his daughter bought a dress for the doctor. The father stripped the dress.
Then,the daughter bought a hamster and named it 'nipples'. However,the father squeezed it to death.
Finally,the daughter bought some milk but the father finished the milk off.
The daughter complained to her mother "Daddy stripped off my dress, squeezed my nipples and drinked all my milk!"

More Free Dirty Jokes

Free Dirty Short Jokes
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran infront of the bus?
A: He got tired

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: What do priests and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
Three feet of my cock up your ass.

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies

Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...

Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly?
A: So they don’t poke her eye out.

Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives
A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking.

Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

Q: Why do black people not like to go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,

Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A: A liar.

Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.

Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."

Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q: What do you call a school bus full of white people?
A: Twinkie.

Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nusing home.

Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

If your butt hits the pavement its your assfalt


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