Erotic Jokes

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!

Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=:)

What do you get when you put a small chicken into a porno?
A pornish game hen.

Sex is like math.
Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don't Multiply!

Sex is like a misdameanor, the more I miss it, da meaner I get

How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.

Two potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute?
The one that says IDAHO!

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in! 

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees.

Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel's pierced?
That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener.

How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake.

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother!

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?
( "I don't know what?" )
You don't know? wanna do lunch tomorrow?

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q: Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss & moan at ths same time!

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her son's dick!

Q: How is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.

Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?
A: Her knees.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What does the sign on the whore house say, after they have closed for the day?
A: We're Closed, Beat It!

Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes.

Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out. 

Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?
A: A clit around the ear and a flap across the face!

Q: What is hard and pink when it goes in and soft and wet when it comes out?
A: Bubblegum you dirty minded pervert!

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.
A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q: What do you call a whore with her own car?
A: Feels on Wheels!

Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear. 

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his ass

Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: You either need a good partner or a good hand.

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you put a load into it

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: Donīt talk to the guy in the middle, heīs a dick.

Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

Q: What is similarity between woman and mobile?
A: They both are charged at night.
Q: What did the Banana say to the Vibrator?
A: Why are you laughing? I'm the one going to be eaten.

One Liners
Boy sees his mom and dad having sex! Dad says "were making you a brother" Boy replies " do her doggy style I rather have a puppy".

A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.

A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of a standing cock.

Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Men screw with dicks. Women screw with minds.

Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied men! But behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man..!

Marry and make a woman happy OR remain a bachelor and make several women happy!

A boy goes to a strip club. His MOM gets angry : Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see? BOY: Yes, I saw dad!

Sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed in my my name, address and telephone number

You think 7 years for a mirror is bad? Try breaking a condom.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

Women say us men only think with our penis. Ladies, don't be afraid to blow our minds.

I was in math class and my teacher asked "what comes after 69?" Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.

Dear young girls losing their virginity... if you're age is on the clock, you're too young for the cock.

Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high!

Normal chickens say cock-a-doodle-doo. Wierd chickens say doodle-cock-a-doo. A slutty chicken says any-cock-will-do.

It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn't block access to porn sites on the internet.

Nursing School
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

Who Enjoys Sex More
A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

Mirror, Mirror
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

Car Salesmen
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, this economy sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

Too Kinky
A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink and sees a beautiful blonde girl across the way making eyes at him.
He goes over and says, "Excuse me, miss, may I buy you a drink?" "Sure," she says, "have a seat."
The man sits down and they get to talking. "You know," the man says, "This is kind of a funny subject, but my wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed."
"REALLY!" the girl says, "My boyfriend just left me because I was too kinky. Do you want to go back to my placae and get a little kinky?"
So they finish their drinks and leave.

When they get to the girls house, she says, "Wait here I'm going to slip into something a little more kinky."
She comes out from her room wearing a leather teddy, with a whip in one hand and handcuffs in the other, but the guy is grabbing his coat and heading for the door.
She says, "Wait a minute, I thought we were going to get kinky!"
He says, "Jesus, lady I already shit in your purse and fucked your dog. What more do you want me to do?"

Joke Generators: